It’s good that you have clarity about what’s going on. You’re able to recognize that there are times when you cannot control your behavior. You have attacked friends and are having thoughts about killing them. This problem has gotten to the point where you need outside assistance, someone to help you to control your behavior. It would be strongly advised for you to consult an in-person mental health professional. They can help you to control your thoughts and behavior.
You mentioned that you have abusive parents. Part of this problem likely stems from their having abused you. Perhaps it’s entirely the reason. Whatever the reason, receiving professional help is the solution.
It’s not uncommon for people who have been abused to be highly critical of themselves. Sometimes, people internalize the abuse and begin to think that they deserved it or that it’s their fault that it happened. That type of narrative is particularly common among younger people who may not realize that the abuse was never their fault and that it is not because of something they may have done. Abuse is the fault of the abuser. In this case, it is the fault of your parents entirely. It’s a shame and it should’ve never happened.
Your homicidal and suicidal thoughts may be an extension of your inability to control your emotions and the fact that you feel powerless. The extreme nature of your feelings may leave you believing that you have no other choice than homicide or suicide. Nothing could be further from the truth. You need assistance in managing your emotions and therapy could help you with that. Medication might also be helpful. The two together could be what you need in order to gain control of this situation.
Impulsivity is the idea of acting in spontaneous ways without consideration as to how it will affect you or others. Impulsivity is associated with a number of disorders such as borderline personality disorder, bipolar disorder, ADHD, substance abuse, antisocial personality disorder, brain injury or stroke, among others. It’s can lead people to do things like have frequent outbursts, resorting to physical violence, destroying property, engaging in self-harm or harming others. If I were interviewing you, I would want to know more about when this began, how it has escalated, and whether or not you have consulted a physician to rule out any physical causes?
It’s best that you seek help as soon as possible. This is especially true because of your suicidal and homicidal thoughts. They are not to be taken lightly. Intervention should occur soon. In the meantime, it might be best to avoid the people that you wish to harm, especially when you feel out of control. The sooner that you can receive help, the sooner that these problems can be remedied. Call for emergency assistance if you feel that you might hurt yourself or someone else. I wish you the best of luck. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle