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I Messed Up & Just Need Some Guidance

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During this whole pandemic despite the quarantine, I decided to seek partnership, me and this girl who I meet from across the street, became intimate, she was of age and no legal wrong doings. I tryed to make sure it was consensual every time and that it was safe making sure she had taken her pill. But I did not use protection as I was a virgin up to this point, after a few times we began to realise that we had feelings for each other. Knowing full well we where in deep I told her to keep it a secret until the states open back up again that way we could go public. I was planning this within a few days of the quarantine being lifted when one night after sneaking out with her, their parents found out the following morning as she had gotten caught. Her parents did not like me much blaming me and telling me I could ruin her life as well as her relationship with her parents, as she was adopted from Taiwan almost 10 years ago. She is scared that they found out about us, as well as what we were doing. I don’t want her to be scared, I don’t want her parents to keep us apart, but I would be okay with reduced visitation and more supervision. I know what I need to do to fix it by, giving them space and apologizing, and trying to build up trust. But I doubt that will happen if anything they will move away and I have now way of getting in contact with her. I’m scared of how she is feeling if she feels locked away or abandoned. I know what I have to do to fix it but I just don’t know if there a more certain way of doing it a more surefire way…

I Messed Up & Just Need Some Guidance

Answered by on -

A.

This is an unusual situation. It’s not clear to me why they are so protective of their daughter. You said that she is of age which would suggest that she’s at least 18 years old and is an adult. If that’s the case, it’s confusing as to why she is being protected by them. There’s probably more to the story that is not included in your letter.

Perhaps it’s because she is Taiwanese and possibly, due to cultural differences, they are protective of her. That is purely a guess and may have nothing to do with the situation.

You also mentioned that you “tryed [sic] to make sure it was consensual.” The idea that you “tried” to make it consensual suggests there’s a possibility that it wasn’t consensual. I’m wondering if this has anything to do with why her parents are upset with you. Perhaps, they saw this relationship as nonconsensual.

Another possibility for why her parents are responding to your relationship in the way that they are, is that perhaps she has a disability. It could explain why they may see it as nonconsensual. That presupposes that they see it as nonconsensual. Again, that is purely a guess.

Without more information, this is a difficult question to answer. In general, try to be patient with her parents. Ask questions. Try to understand why they have a problem with you and her being together. If they’re open to the two of you having a relationship, with more supervision, then if you want to be with her, you will have to accept their stipulations. Hopefully, with more time, her parents can learn to trust you and will be okay with your relationship, should the two of you want it to continue.

In the meantime, you might want to take a break from the relationship. It might be useful to clear your head and to think through what may have gone wrong in this relationship. You might also send her a message so she knows that you did not abandon her and that you are attempting to respect her parents’ wishes. It will also give you time to think about what prompted you to begin this relationship. For instance, was it because she is so close (across the street) and you were lonely? What motivated you? What are your intentions? Perhaps, it’s because you truly had an interest in her. Having time to contemplate the relationship could be a good thing. It could help to bring clarity to the relationship and to determine whether or not it can or should continue.

If I were interviewing you in person, a few questions I would have for you include: how did she respond to the relationship? Does she want it to continue? What are her feelings? How does she understand why her parents are reacting the way they are? Is there any chance that she saw your behavior as nonconsensual?

If you would like to write back and provide more information, I will try to give you a more specific response. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I Messed Up & Just Need Some Guidance

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Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2020). I Messed Up & Just Need Some Guidance. Psych Central. Retrieved on October 28, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/06/08/i-messed-up-just-need-some-guidance/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 5 Jun 2020 (Originally: 8 Jun 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 5 Jun 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.