Reading your email was anything but a waste of time! I believe everything you are telling me, and I am so very glad you took the time to write to us here at Psych Central. It took a great deal of courage for you to talk about your fear and your pain and your confusion in having to deal with your father while trying to be there for your brothers. I am worried that you do not have someone to talk to and hear you. Someone who is nearby and can learn more about what is happening and what can be done to help you.
I notice that you haven’t mentioned your mother, or any other adult for that matter. It sounds like it is just you, your brothers and your dad living in your home, is that right? This means that your father may not have the usual experience of another adult monitoring him as he is trying to parent you and your brothers. It is not okay for him to threaten to beat you, call you useless, worthless, and to be ashamed of yourself. He should be doing better as a parent that screaming and yelling at you, and not attending to the fact that you’ve tried to cut yourself. You are not a toxic bitch, nor deserve pain. You need someone who understands and sees you for who you are — not someone they can bully because they aren’t okay.
My guess is that you are having online classes, yes? Send a private chat to your favorite teacher and ask if you could talk to him or her privately. Let them know you need some help in dealing with the bad feelings that are happening while you are staying at home. They will help you have someone to talk to, which is very important right now.
The part of you that has reached out here to Psych Central is the part of you that knows something better is possible. I will encourage you to talk to your teacher as a first step.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral