I admire your resilience, bravery and grit as you have consistently dealt with these issues. I believe you have asked for help from us before — and it is a great strength of your to be so persistent in looking to find answers. I believe this may be the single greatest capacity to have during recovery.
I think any one of these diagnoses anorexia (losing weight by refusing to eat); borderline personality disorder (BPD) (usually characterized by unstable relationships and large emotional swings); Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD) with its intrusive thoughts of memories of the trauma, flashbacks, and or nightmares; or the difficult to diagnose, Complex Posttraumatic Stress Disorder (CPTSD), where the symptoms of a PTSD have had an impact on one’s personality or identity could be overwhelming, but to have each of their powerful impact balanced and evaluated in trying to come to a type of stability and balance is exceptionally courageous. My concern is that there are many people offering an opinion and treatment options, but what might be needed is a primary person to coordinate the medicines, therapy, and progress. I am say ing this because you’ve suggested that when you are recovering from the anorexia and begin trauma therapy the stress of doing that triggers the flashbacks and the need to not eat returns as it calms you down. This is a cycle that may be better managed with one person understanding all of the moving parts so that therapy and success in treating the anorexia are happening in concert with one another.
The list of symptoms you’ve identified and the possible conditions can be a confusing thing to accurately diagnose. What I think is more important is to find a single provider, most likely a psychiatrist, who can coordinate your care. Having too many providers helping can make the process more difficult and confusing.
Finally, you’ve mentioned something that is important to highlight. You have good friends. While I understand you do not have intimate relationships — the fact that you are maintaining good friendships is extremely important. It means that there is something you bring to a relationship that people respond positively to. I would capitalize on this. Once you find the provider who can coordinate all of your treatment I’d encourage you to find a group. Group therapy for each and all of the symptoms you are identifying would be warranted — and from your descriptions, this mode of treatment hasn’t been tried. It would be on the very top of my list now as the virtual format during COVID-19 would allow you to make connections while still being in the comfort of your own home. I’d highly recommend this approach.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral