Nothing that you have written is necessarily outside the realm of normal for your age and stage of development. At 13 years old, you are in the midst of trying to figure out who you are, what you like, who you like, and who should you be spending your time with. That is normal for people of your age. There’s nothing unusual about what you are experiencing, thinking or doing.
Regarding sexuality, it’s normal to be contemplating who you’d want to be with and visualizing that experience. The visualization you mentioned is likely fantasy. Everyone has fantasies. Some people have a more vivid and active fantasy life than others, but fantasies, in general, are quite normal. Fantasies serve a wide range of psychological functions including exploring our wishes and desires, as distractions, and allowing us to mentally explore certain scenarios before acting on them.
A quote that might help you understand the purpose of fantasies comes from a 1907 Sigmund Freud paper. In it, he writes “might we not say that every child at play behaves like a creative writer, in that he creates a world of his own, or, rather, rearranges the things of his world in a new way which pleases him?” Essentially, what he is saying, is that fantasies are the created world of someone’s own making. A person is thinking about the things that they might want to do, and mentally attempting to experience them via fantasies. Fantasies are a safe way to explore one’s needs and desires without actually having to act on them. Thus, it’s very normal to fantasize in the manner that you have described.
Regarding your friends, it’s also common for teenagers to have different friends during each year of school. Sometimes, if you’re fortunate, you’ll find several friends with whom you can continue those relationships, year-to-year and even into adulthood. It’s also quite common for groups of friends, especially teenagers, to have conflicts. It’s not necessarily healthy but it is relatively normal. That you sometimes feel that you are annoying them, might be you inappropriately attributing negative qualities to yourself. One would have to analyze those situations, in-depth, in order to determine if you are correct about your self-assessment.
The most concerning aspect of your visualization is this: you “killing myself.” That’s concerning because it suggests suicidal ideation. Suicidal ideation is serious under any and all circumstances. It is something you should discuss with a therapist, in person, if possible. If in person therapy is not possible at this time, consider consulting a therapist via telehealth or telephone. It’s always important to be proactive when it comes to one’s mental health. Thus, if a potential problem is developing, it’s important to act sooner rather than later. Having a therapist with whom you can discuss these issues would help you tremendously.
I hope that I have sufficiently responded to your questions. If you’d like to write again, please don’t hesitate to do so. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle