It’s impossible to diagnose you over the internet. I would need to interview you in person and collect a great deal of information about your life, personal history, and so forth. If you don’t agree with your depression diagnosis, it might be wise to seek a second opinion.
Alternatively, diagnosis is not an exact science. Getting a different diagnosis might not helpful in the grand scheme of things. A better focus might be finding good treatment. I would encourage you to seek psychotherapy and to find a therapist with whom you trust, with whom you feel comfortable, and has a track record of successful treatment. Specifically, you might benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT). CBT is an effective treatment for mood problems and illogical thinking.
You described a number of illogical thinking errors that are self-imposed and are causing you trouble. For instance, your belief that your friends should be responding to all of your posts, in a certain amount of time, is unreasonable. Your unreasonable expectations are causing you to feel distress. If you didn’t have unreasonable expectations, you would suffer less or perhaps not at all.
One good thing is that you recognize that your responses are unhealthy but it doesn’t necessarily stop your illogical thoughts. That’s understandable, especially if you have yet to try psychotherapy. The good news is that these skills can be learned.
The idea that your friends are jealous of you may be the story you tell yourself so that you don’t feel bad about their non-responses. At some point, you came to believe that if people don’t respond to you, in a certain amount of time, and in the manner that you want, that must mean something negative about you. Where did you get that idea from and why do you have such high expectations of others?
You believe that other people are jealous of you and at the same time, care so much about what others think of you. If you think about it logically, if people are jealous of you, wouldn’t you theoretically be better than them and thus, why care about what they think? People worry about what other people think of them when they don’t feel good about themselves. If you were more confident, the opinions of others would matter much less to you. It could be that you don’t feel good about yourself and that’s why you care so much about the opinions of others.
Mood swings are common with mood disorders. If you do have depression, your mood swings could be explained by your depression. In addition, you suffer with anxiety and change. Your anxiety leads to a focus on negativity which also likely contributes to your moodiness. It would be difficult to be in a good mood when predicting negative outcomes. The inability to tolerate change is another sign of rigid or illogical thinking.
These problems are all correctable with treatment. Hopefully, you will consider it. The fact that you recognize your problems and were able to describe them in such detail are both encouraging signs. It means that you have good insight and are open to correcting these cognitive errors. With the right treatment, your prognosis seems good.
During the pandemic, it can be difficult to find an in-person therapist. In that case, you might try telehealth or telephone therapy. Both are good options while awaiting an end to the pandemic. Hopefully, that will be sooner rather than later. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle