I am so glad you wrote instead of sitting with these feelings and suffering more. One of the things that worries me a great deal is the tendency in our culture to pathologize thoughts and feelings that are quite normal for a person’s age and stage. It eats people up needlessly. I think what you are experiencing falls into that category.
You are 14. The teen years are a time of personal exploration and identity formation. Although some people know who they are from the time they are quite young, most people develop their identity during adolescence.
During the teen years, it is usual for a person to question themselves about many things — including sexual identity. Determining ones sexual orientation is a process that often goes on through the teen years and sometimes into the twenties. Teens do a great deal of self-examination through trial and error behaviors, and sometimes what seem to be contradictory ideas, as they discover who they are at core and who they most want to be with. No single thought or feeling or “crush” determines the eventual outcome.
During this time you will also be exploring your values, your beliefs, your politics, your faith — everything that is important. Just as with your sexual identity, you may find that how you think and feel changes over time. That’s because you will be gathering the information and experience you need to come to conclusions that feel right and comfortable.
The teen years are such an important time of growth. Please give yourself lots of room to explore, without so much worry attached. I hope this explanation helps you do that. If you continue to feel so terrible, do see a therapist who specializes in working with teens to help you.
I wish you well.