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My Father Lies

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i’ve had enough, i am at my limit. my dad doesn’t give 2 shits about me and now i fear that he doesnt’t care about me, i feel like i’m not a good daughter and i’m scared that he doesn’t love me anymore.

he always lies, makes excuses and breaks meaningful promises. i guess those meaningful promises were meaningless to him.

on some days, he’d act like he loves me. in public, he would tend to be nice to me.

some days we’d plan meaningful activities. on the day of the activity, he would say “ehh i don’t feel like going anymore”; on days i’d ask him small things while he would be sitting on the couch watching tv for hours. he’d say “leave me alone, i am busy”; every time this happens. he doesn’t even pause the movie to even listen to me…

3 days ago i cooked my first meal and it was beautiful. i wanted to show it to him since i was proud but he shut me off almost instantly. “stop bothering me i don’t care”;
he would also make excuses to not spend time with me “i don’t feel like it. go ask your mother to bring you” he would never fulfill promises “ehhh tomorrow”; *never does it*, or not even help me “go look it up. stop being a baby”;

it’s been going for years for as long as i can remember. i am in pain by the thought of him not loving me.
any time i would insist or plead or call him out for his behavior, he’d say “;stop harassing me”;
“;you’re abusive”;
“;stop abusing me”;
“;shut the fuck up and go away”;
“;you animal”;
“;you dog”;
all while raising his voice.
it’s sad because i barely ask for anything. when i do, i am abandoned.

when i need medical help, he would say “;i’ll call the doctor tomorrow. not today”; he never called the doctor.

im helpless, i am crying at the moment typing this and i wish i could have a loving father like all of my friends do. i wish for it so badly…
i just want to be hugged instead of being dismissed or brutally rejected by him…

please help, what do i do

My Father Lies

Answered by on -

A.

I’m very sorry that you are faced with this situation. Unfortunately, your father doesn’t seem to be the loving person you desire him to be. I understand your pain. It’s not fair.

A quote that might be applicable to your situation is “we cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand” by Randy Pausch. You were not dealt a fair hand in life and are now left to manage the hand that you were dealt.

What this means is that you are now tasked with coming to terms with the fact that your father is not a loving, caring person. It may help you to know that many people are facing similar circumstances. They, too, were not raised by parents who were good role models, who treated them fairly, or who did the right things. For some people, this is one of those unfortunate and unpleasant aspects of life.

It is important to know that how your father behaves has nothing to do with you. How he behaves has to do with his character and nothing to do with yours. Children are especially prone to believing that how their parents treat them is a reflection of themselves. Nothing could be further from the truth. This is a lesson that one learns as they grow and mature. The way your father behaves might be explained by how his parents treated him. They may not have been loving or kind or generous or compassionate, and, as a result, he may not demonstrate any of these characteristics towards his own children. That presents a challenge for you, as the recipient of his unloving and abusive behavior. The fact that his parents may have treated him poorly might explain why he treats you poorly but it does not make it better. It might simply be the explanation.

You may not have a loving father but what about your mother or other family members? Are there people in your life who are loving, who can compensate for an unloving father? If so, perhaps they can “fill in the blanks” for your father. The more loving and supportive people you have in your life, the less you will be affected by your father’s treatment. Once you can accept the fact that your father is who he is, and that his treatment of you has nothing to do with you, the sooner you can move forward in life.

That your father is ignoring your need for medical treatment is very concerning. This may be considered medical neglect. Neglect is illegal and parents can be arrested for neglecting their children. If you need medical assistance and your father won’t help you, make your mother aware and perhaps consider reporting him to child welfare. You can Google the phone number for child welfare reporting in your state by entering “your state and child welfare reporting” into a search engine. You can call and speak to someone about what you’re experiencing. They will advise you about how to respond, should it be necessary.

I would recommend consulting a therapist, in person. If in person services are not available, online or telephone services may be an option. The sooner you can meet with a professional who can teach you to emotionally handle your father, the better you will feel. I hope this answer helps you know how to proceed. If you take nothing else from this answer, please let it be that your father’s behavior is not a reflection of you; it is a reflection of him and his failure to show goodness, compassion and love to his daughter. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

My Father Lies

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Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2020). My Father Lies. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 8, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/05/03/my-father-lies/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 30 Apr 2020 (Originally: 3 May 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 30 Apr 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.