Home » Ask the Therapist » Should I Leave My Wife Who Hates Me? I’m Terminally Ill

Should I Leave My Wife Who Hates Me? I’m Terminally Ill

Asked by on with 1 answer:

I recently connected with my first love (an innocent love, we never touched physically). She’s separated, ending a bad marriage. We love each other and want to be together, but I’m terminally ill and disabled. I can give her only a few months. My wife despises me and is abusive, (I have to carry a gun to protect myself from physical assault.)
I don’t believe it’s fair to my lover to put her in the position of being my caregiver and having to watch me die. I think I should VTD right away for a quick death with dignity instead. So should I live- or die? The right thing to do would be to just die ASAP. Do I deserve a slice of Heaven before I pass from this world? My son is 18 in 2 months so no children involved. My wife and son are getting the insurance money regardless, so finance isn’t an issue. (From the USA)

Should I Leave My Wife Who Hates Me? I’m Terminally Ill

Answered by on -


I’m honored that you would take your precious time and write to us here at Psych Central. The clarity of your concern comes through. As you face this final segment of your life, the choices you make are important as they may be corrections.

Let’s start with the basics. Whether you have 2 months to live or two decades I’d recommend leaving your wife. If you have to carry a gun to protect yourself there is nothing about the relationship that warrants tolerating the abuse or potential harm. I’d recommend finding all the legal and psychological support you can find to make the last part of your life safe from your wife.

Your first love can make her own decisions about wanting to be with you, care for you, or watch you die. She knows the situation (I’m assuming) and you can let her decide what is best. Your work is on getting disentangled from your wife not making decisions for your love.

As far as deciding for a quick death you may want to check with your insurance carrier about the impact of making that decision. While I understand the thinking behind this — there are several people and conditions that may also be affected. Before you consider it I’d encourage you to talk to a death and dying counselor who can help you think these things through.

Finally, I think you may want to get a legal opinion about your finances and the deep mistrust and fear you have of your wife. You want your son to be protected by the money from insurance and not worry that your wife will be as abusive and harmful to him as she is to you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Should I Leave My Wife Who Hates Me? I’m Terminally Ill

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2020). Should I Leave My Wife Who Hates Me? I’m Terminally Ill. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 28 Apr 2020 (Originally: 2 May 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 28 Apr 2020
Published on Psych All rights reserved.