This isn’t what I would identify as fear of intimacy as much as a fear of sex. The reason I am making this more specific is that the fear of sex has a very different origin and implication than fear of intimacy.
It is hard to know for sure, but the kinds of reactions you are having and the reasons you give would lead to a classification of one of two conditions. Of course, this is in no way diagnosing what is going on, but these would be the first two things I’d think of if I heard a patient come in explaining their situation in a way similar to yours. I would want to rule out genophobia and tokophobia.
Genophobia is also sometimes referred to as coitophobia. This term covers the physical or psychological fear associated with sex, sexual relations or sexual intercourse. In its extreme, it will cause trouble in romantic relationships. This is what I mean by saying it is most likely a fear of sex rather than a fear of marital intimacy. It isn’t the marriage, the partner, or getting closer that is the issue — it is the fear of sex, when it is genophobia. Included in this diagnosis is the fear of any sexual contact.
It sounds more to me like you’d want to get an opinion first on if genophobia or tokophobia may be part of what you are struggling with. The key here is to identify what it is and seek treatment from a mental health professional that has some experience. You may want to ask the OBGYN community who they refer to for this.
Wishing you patience and peace,
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