Your dream may signify that you are ready and open to hear the truth about your parents. Alternatively, it may have been a safe way for you to express your feelings regarding your mother and father and their relationship.
One interesting element of the dream is how you were attempting to hide your mother’s abuse of your father from guests. It would be interesting to know if this is analogous to how you had behaved previously with your mother or how you presently behave with your mother. Was it your nature to hide her behavior from others and or apologize for her? I suspect that is a possibility especially given the fact that you took her side during the instance in which you learned that she had been abusing him. Perhaps your perspective, at the time, was that you are angry at your father for his drinking. Of course, that is a guess because I don’t know the nature of the relationship between your parents and why she ultimately ended up abusing him. Perhaps he drank because he couldn’t deal with her treatment. Again, that is pure speculation because I virtually have no information regarding the type of relationship they had and why it ended up the way it did.
Currently, you’re very worried about her ending up alone. You want to avoid that outcome by attempting to have a deeper and more transparent relationship with her. You’re attempting to fix the problems that she has caused for herself.
You mentioned that you would not want to know if she were guilty of causing his death. You should want to know. You should want to know the truth no matter what it is. Not knowing the truth further complicates this already complicated family dynamic.
You can try to have a new and different relationship with your mother but she would have to be open to it. If she’s not receptive, then you may not have a choice in what type of relationship you have with her. Relationships are not one-sided affairs. She would have to want to have a deeper, more transparent and loving relationship with you. She may not want to have that type of relationship and or she may not capable of it. That’s yet to be determined.
I would recommend consulting a therapist. The therapist might have ideas about how to differently interact with your mother, how to approach her, and so forth. You mentioned that you argue with her due to your defensiveness. Therapy might help you become less defensive with her which might then make her receptive to a more meaningful relationship with you.
It’s also important to keep in mind that you may not be able to have the type of relationship you want with her. You mentioned that she has driven away most family and friends. It’s possible that she may have anger problems or other personality problems that make it difficult for her to have intimate and close relationships, even with her son.
You might suggest counseling to her. She does seem to have aggression issues which are amenable to counseling for those willing to try. If she’s not willing to try counseling or making any changes to her behavior, then there is no hope. The type of relationship you have with her right now might be all that is possible.
Try counseling and ask her to try it with you. Start from there and see what develops. Hopefully, she’ll be open to it and you can have the type of relationship you desire. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle