The reality is, you may never know if these are memories or dreams. Since you remember so little, it is difficult to know what they are.
You should try to write them down. Document everything you remember about them. For instance, have a designated notebook where you can write down exactly what you are remembering, what you are doing when the memory arose, and what you’re feeling about it. Over time, you might eventually have more information to piece together.
Relatedly, you should also keep track of your dreams. This might help you to decipher whether or not what you are experiencing are dreams or memories. Dreams can be difficult to track because upon awakening, they can fade very quickly. Keep a notepad near your bed and make it a point to write down everything you remember. Having this documentation might bring some clarity to the situation. It might not, but it is certainly worth trying. You won’t know until you try.
Regarding your question about medical reasons to give children pills via the rectum, it could’ve been a suppository or some other medication that was prescribed. It’s possible that a doctor prescribed a medication that had to be given in this manner. You could ask your parents. You might also ask your parents about the other memory regarding your clothing in the corner. They might remember things that you don’t. It could help to fill in your memory gaps.
The fact that you have panic attacks at home and immediately started to feel better after moving away to college, would suggest that there is something about being home that is troublesome. One does not develop panic attacks and suicidal ideation, without a cause. There has to be a reason for them, even if it is not evident to you.
Think deeply, what is it about being home that makes you feel unsettled? You lived in that house for many years and would be the best person to know what may have happened or why it causes you such anxiety. You might try journaling to spark memories. You might also ask your siblings (if you have any) about this, as well. Did they also have problems living in your home? Is there something about your parents or how they treated you or anything else that you can remember that might have caused these problems? Those are all things you need to think about and write about in order to potentially uncover the source of the problem.
Moving out of your home seemed like the best thing for you. It took away your panic and suicidal ideation. Hopefully, this pandemic will be over soon and you can move back to college. However, it is important to uncover the source of the problem. I would advise you to contact a mental health professional to assist you in uncovering what may be underlying your panic attacks. They could help you, especially since you’re beginning to develop these problems again.
Thank you for your question. Good luck with your classes this semester.
Dr. Kristina Randle