When we don’t feel pain, we don’t feel anything. Shutting off your emotions will indeed work, but the problem is that you will also have to shut down part of yourself in order to keep it going.
I’d like to lift some of the words you’ve used to identify why shutting down your feelings have become so important. You say: “I am terrified to talk to him”; “he is poisoning me”; “I felt so free”; “what I feel toward him is irritation”; “I’m a better mother when I don’t have that weighing on my chest.”
Whatever it is you love about him seems to be in direct conflict with what you need to do to survive him. On top of all of this, you see him as sabotaging his career.
The strategy you’ve developed to survive your feelings about your husband doesn’t seem like it allows you to fully thrive. It seems like it allows you to tolerate your marriage as you continue to feel resentment. This approach may work for a while, but in the long run, the resentment will prove too much to be healthy.
It is time for couple counseling. You shutting yourself down to be a happier person and a better mom isn’t a sustainable strategy. Turning your feelings back on to allow the resentment also doesn’t sound viable. What is needed is a third party to help you communicate the depth of your fear of talking to him. His triggering you sounds very real, but if you cannot communicate this to him he has no chance to learn.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral