Homosexual Obsessive Compulsive Disorder is hallmarked by a disproportionate fear of being ridiculed for being gay — or excessive anxiety about becoming gay. Part of this can be having intrusive thoughts and images of homosexual behavior and the fear that others might think you are homosexual. The obsessive thoughts are often accompanied by compulsive behaviors like checking. For more information on this read this paper from the Journal of Clinical and Diagnostic Research.
In HOCD, which is not an official diagnosis, but rather a term used to describe these symptoms, obsessions are characterized by the excessive fear of being or becoming homosexual and being ridiculed by others for being gay. There is an experience of intrusive, unwanted mental images of homosexual behavior and/or fears that others may believe he/she is homosexual. Compulsions are usually in the form of checking. From this paper, this quote is particularly helpful for understanding the nuances and dynamics of HOCD.
“While conceptualizing sexual obsessions, it is important to recognize that people with sexual obsessions find their thoughts immoral and do not wish to act them out. They are different from fantasies, as the obsessions are unpleasant and provoke guilt rather than being enjoyable.The person in HOCD is not able to stop thinking about same-sex relationships, and the thoughts are severely distressing to him/her. Although in fantasy and dreams he fantasizes about the opposite sex. He often feels emotional intimacy with a partner of the opposite sex. He is worried that people of the same sex might be attracted to him. Sexual obsessions in OCD rarely produce sexual arousal. These obsessions usually decrease sex drive. Obsessions about homosexuality differ from an individual who is actually gay because they do not feel attraction or arousal to members of the same sex. The obsessions result in guilt, shame, distress, and anxiety. The patient often tries to learn more about sexual identity issues to reassure himself that he is not a gay.”
And more information on OCD itself is here.
I tend to agree with what has been answered in that I wouldn’t focus so much right now on the label. You are saying that the thoughts are not intrusive, which is important because the intrusion is what often creates anxiety. You anxiety seems to be more of one of identity. It sounds like you are wrestling with who you are as a sexual being, your gender identity, and from what you are saying the anxiety is about trying to figure this out.
Keep talking with your therapist about this. The fact that you have this therapeutic relationship is very powerful and important as you try to sort this identity issue out.
Wishing you patience and peace,
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