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Devastated

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I don’t understand how we were in love one minute and then it was like me and our relationship never existed. I was in a loving genuine relationship. At least I thought I was. He had me on cloud 9. I was in love and Happy and I had no doubts that he felt the same. We were vulnerable to one another, he put me in his future when he talked about it. Then one day out of nowhere he needed to miss me and it all went downhill from there. He needed space but his space was occupied by another woman either before he needed space or just days after. I’m heartbroken and hurt and disappointed, I never seen this coming. There were no signs of this about to happen. I’m going through hell emotionally and he is happy with someone else just like that. It’s like I don’t exist, like our relationship was nothing. Now within two months the new girlfriend is pregnant. I’m totally devastated by all of this. I was totally blindsided!

Devastated

Answered by on -

A.

I’m not certain of your exact question. Because I do not know your question, I will provide a general answer.

You mentioned that he had you on “cloud nine.” Cloud nine is a phrase people use when they want to express their elation or happiness. It reminds me of when people say they are “head over heels” in love with someone. If someone were “head over heels” they would be upside down and thus off-balance.

If you were on “cloud nine” or “head over heels” for him, perhaps it was you that was off-balance. Your elation about the relationship may have made you oblivious to its possible problems. It would be wise to review the relationship, with objectivity, for any red flags that you may have missed. You stated explicitly that there “were no signs of this about to happen.” You could be correct, but it’s worth analyzing the relationship to determine if there was anything you missed. Just because you didn’t see the signs does not mean there were none.

Was he equally as happy? Did his behavior match yours? Did he call you as much as you called him? Was there any imbalance in the way the two of you interacted? Were you overly happy? Had you missed any signs that he was not as happy as you were?

There may have been signs that you missed or that you simply didn’t have enough experience in relationships to know a bad one from a good one. That is a realistic possibility. The fact that he could so easily move on and begin a new relationship likely means that he was not as into the relationship as you were. If the two of you were equally as happy, and in love, then he would not have ended it and moved on to someone else, so quickly.

He was probably not the person you thought he was. Perhaps you were projecting your wants, wishes and desires on to him without realizing that he was not as into the relationship as you were.

Alternatively, it could’ve been that he was leading you on and lying. That’s also a possibility. The fact that he moved on to a new relationship so easily, and impregnated her so quickly, means that he could’ve been dating her and you at the same time. It’s important to review the relationship to see what you may have missed.

Given how devastated you are feeling at this point in time, you may not be able to be as objective as you need to be in reviewing what happened. In that case, it would be wise to consult a therapist. Therapists have extensive knowledge in relationships and could help you analyze what happened. Therapy would help you to understand what happened so that you can be better prepared for future relationships.

You thought things were well and they clearly weren’t. If there were problems or red flags, it’s important to determine what those were so you don’t make similar mistakes in the future.

Intimate relationships rarely end with two people simultaneously agreeing to break up. Usually, one person doesn’t want it to end and they are the ones who suffer the most. Unfortunately, in this case, you were the one who didn’t want it to end and are the one who is suffering. I’m sorry that this is happening to you. Don’t let this one relationship sour you for future potential mates. There are many people who would never treat you the way this man did. Don’t give up searching for those good people. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Devastated

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Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2020). Devastated. Psych Central. Retrieved on August 12, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/03/25/devastated/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 21 Mar 2020 (Originally: 25 Mar 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 21 Mar 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.