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Why Can’t I Move on?

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From a woman in the U.S: I was with my ex boyfriend for 4 years. The last year of our relationship was on and off. We had a really really rough relationship simply because, he always assumed I was cheating on him. I never in the 4 years we were together cheated on him. I loved him more than I ever loved anyone in my life.

We tried for 3 years to get pregnant. We changed our diet, I quit smoking, we tried some natural remedies, and still…3 years and no baby.

The last year we were on and off, I kept to myself. I went on a few dates, but nothing ever manifested from them. He on the other hand, slept with a lot of females. The last time we talked was just before Christmas in 2019. A month and half went by before we finally spoke again. When we started talking, everything seemed to be going pretty good. We were flirting with each other, and even talked about possibly going on a date.

And then, he dropped the bomb on me that he got some girl pregnant in the month and 1/2 that we hadn’t talked. I was in shock and instantly heartbroken. I left work for the day because I couldn’t stop the tears from filling my heart with ache. Later that night, we talked on the phone for 3 hours and I just cried. More than I had every cried before. I felt like I was robbed of what was suppose to be MINE. It was absolutely the most worse I had ever felt. I felt shattered, and completely broken and like something died in my heart and soul.

Now, he wants us to keep “talking” and has made comments about how even though she is having his 1st, that he can still have more kids with “someone” else. (Meaning me) I’m torn. I don’t know what to do. Do I keep talking to him and see where this goes??? Or, do I take this as a sign to leave him alone and finally move on?

I keep trying to explain to him that a baby changes everything, especially because now….he has a baby mom that’s going to be in his life forever. He said he’s not involved with the girl at all anymore, that he only checks up on her for the baby. He says he’s completely single, and free to do what he wants. But, I’m having a VERY VERY HARD TIME ACCEPTING that he’s having a baby with someone else. I want to walk away but I also want to see what happens. He’s the only man that has sparked my soul in the last 5 years, and every time we stop talking, it never seems to last that long. We’re both CONSTANTLY running back to each other.

Please Please HELP ME. I’m so sad about the whole situation that tears are just casually falling out of my eyes like water from a faucet. I just feel like I put in the time and work! 4 YEARS and now someone else gets to reap my benefits? I don’t know what to do, should I forgive him in due time and see if maybe I CAN handle this or should I just walk away.

Why Can’t I Move on?

Answered by on -

A.

I’m sure I don’t have the whole story. This is so complicated. But my first impression on reading your letter was asking myself why you stayed with in a “rough” relationship with a guy who was constantly accusing you of cheating. Now he says he’s “totally single.” But he’s not. As you pointed out, he’s tied to a child for the rest of his life. The fact that he is uninvolved with the woman is, to me, a negative comment on his character. He does have a responsibility to her and his child. You deserve better — much better.

I do understand your pain. Dealing with infertility is one heartache after another. It’s possible you are mourning the baby you thought you would have with him more than the guy himself. I do understand your longing and grief. I also understand your disappointment and anger. But I don’t think the way to resolve this is to return to a guy like him.

I urge you to find a therapist immediately. You need more help and support than I can give you in an advice column. A therapist can hear the details and can help you come to some new understanding of just why someone who treats you so badly is the only guy “who sparked your soul.” You need support in grieving for the relationship and for the failed attempts to have a baby. And you need some guidance and support in finding the kind of guy you (and any child you have in the future) deserves.

You are still young. You have time to do your therapeutic work and to find the right man to love and with whom to have a family.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Why Can’t I Move on?

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Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). Why Can’t I Move on?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 3, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/03/24/why-cant-i-move-on/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 21 Mar 2020 (Originally: 24 Mar 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 21 Mar 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.