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Should I Help My Mother Financially?

Asked by on with 1 answer:

From a young woman in France:  My mum raised me and my sister alone ( she won’t help) even during my university years. I’ve been with my BF for a year and i want to move in with him. She keeps insulting me and my BF for it everyday. She burst out of anger  every evening. I did my best to find her a roomate or a solution but she refused it all. I even accepted to stay home one weekend out of two because she felt too lonely and to only leave in april because she will have a retirement pension ( and 300 more euros per month) in june.

She makes my life a living hell so i cannot stay.  But my wages are meagre and if i help her it is going to hinder my project with my BF . My relationship with my mum already put strains on my relationship. She never wants to see him and insults him everyday. She said she would sue me if i don’t give money and that she will be picky  regarding the roomate because she does not want me to be able to help my boyfriend ( she believes i’m going to help him instead of her)

she truly  will be in deep financial trouble wihtout me but at the same time she is controlling (she snoops into my bank record and shouts if i try to call my BF or friends or even wants to have a drink on one of “her weekends”)

I am so stressed everyday i have trouble breathing, sleeping and i cry almost every night. Please tell me what to do. i am not ungrateful, i do not want to lose my boyfriend nor i want to stay longer.  Stress and anxiety are unbearable.

Should I Help My Mother Financially?

Answered by on -

A.

My guess is that your mother is terrified of being on her own. Instead of dealing directly with her anxiety, she is trying to avoid the whole thing by keeping you with her. You are 25. You have two obstacles that are getting in the way of thinking this through clearly. You have a big heart and you have been worn down by your mother’s anger. You don’t want to abandon your mother but you do want, at 25, to start living your own adult life.

I wish I knew what social services are available in your city. I don’t, so I can’t give you direct guidance. Since your mother isn’t interested in helping herself, I’m afraid you will need to do the research to find out what services are available for impoverished seniors. A good place to start might be the senior services in Paris. You mother may be eligible for housing, for example. If you can find some practical alternatives to being dependent on you, your mother may be less afraid — and therefore less abusive.

I also urge you to consider getting some therapy for yourself — not because I think you have a mental illness but because I think you need the support and practical help a therapist can offer. Extricating yourself from this situation in a way that feels okay is going to take effort. You deserve that support.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Should I Help My Mother Financially?

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APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). Should I Help My Mother Financially?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 27, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/03/19/should-i-help-my-mother-financially/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 15 Mar 2020 (Originally: 19 Mar 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 15 Mar 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.