Thank you very much for writing. Yes, you can control your feelings. You are already doing it. You want to cry but don’t give in to it. Sometimes you think about suicide but you don’t do it. You sometimes want to hurt other people but you don’t do that either. That takes a lot of self-control. But controlling your feelings is taking far too much effort. It’s possible that you are battling a depression.
You really do need to talk to a professional. There is no reason to be ashamed. Depression is an illness. You wouldn’t be ashamed to go to a doctor for a medical problem. There is no shame is seeing a mental health professional for a mental health problem. A mental health counselor will assess what is troubling you and will offer suggestions about how to help. The good news is that if depression is at the root of your despair, it can be treated.
If seeing a therapist feels too overwhelming for now, please consider joining one of the forums here at Psych Central as a place to start. People from all over the world offer each other support and advice. You owe it to yourself to take advantage of that option. I hope that talking to some people who have similar issues will help you get past your shame so you can start seeing a therapist. A therapist can hear your whole story and can offer you more specific help than I can.
I wish you well.