The nature of fantasies varies considerably. There are some that fall into the realm of normal and some that are clearly abnormal. Fantasizing about torturing people is worrisome and needs further exploration. It’s not the norm. To know what specifically might be wrong, one would need to be evaluated in-person, by a therapist.
You mentioned that this happened recently, when you were walking on the street. If I could interview you, I would want to know what prompted you. I would also want to know if there is something you are watching or reading that has encouraged these fantasies.
You stated that you didn’t have a “messed up” childhood however, that may or may not be accurate. Sometimes people characterize things in ways that are inaccurate. Mischaracterization and exaggeration are common. It would have been helpful for you to have described your childhood as opposed to characterizing it. Having that information may have helped me to better understand what your childhood was like.
You mentioned that you have ASD and gender incongruence. It would have been helpful to have known more about these diagnoses and how they have affected your life. That information may have provided me with more insight into the fantasies you have described.
You also stated that these fantasies “get me off.” I interpret that to mean that there is a sexual component to these fantasies. I’m also curious about whether or not you watch pornography on the Internet. The fantasy themes, you have described, involving choking, throwing up, bondage and so forth, are common in modern-day pornography.
Research indicates that the main source of information about sex for teens comes from pornography. The average teen is about 13 years old when they first see pornography.
Researchers believe that teenagers watching pornography often attempt to engage in the sexual acts they see on the videos. Many unknowingly believe that what they see in the videos is what they’re supposed to do during sex. They assume that the portrayal of the sex they see in pornography is what sex is supposed to be like. In one study, approximately 53% of boys and 39% of girls said it was “realistic.” Unfortunately, that is where many teenagers learn about sex and what they see is not realistic.
Studies have also indicated that there’s a correlation between adolescent dating abuse victimization and frequent pornography use. Poor education about sex significantly contributes to the misinformation that exists about sex and sexuality. Perhaps, your sexual fantasies may have been derived from pornography.
At this point in time, you “don’t think” that you would ever act on your violent fantasies. Still, that is concerning. The fact that you aren’t certain about your ability to control your actions is worrisome.
I would highly recommend counseling. Counseling is the ideal place to explore this issue in more depth and to ensure that you have control over your behavior. This is not a line of sexual fantasies that should be developed and encouraged. In other words, it’s not normal or healthy to want to torture people in order to achieve sexual satisfaction. This is not something that you should want to continue. Counseling could help to divert these fantasies into a psychologically healthy outlet. I hope you will give it a try. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle