Thank you for writing. I wonder if your unconscious is helping you. You broke up with this guy for a reason. You say you don’t want him in your life. Yet you continue to see him now and then, sometimes as “more than friends”, despite your history with him.
Your unconscious seems to be stronger than you are. Since you won’t say “no” to getting together, your inner self sends you a resounding message of “noooo” by giving you a panic attack. Deep inside you know that a hug can lead to closeness that isn’t good for you.
Listen to yourself. You want to move on. Do it. Stop seeing him. You are giving him false encouragement. You know that you shouldn’t pursue a relationship with a guy you don’t trust — even though he may have changed.
There’s nothing wrong with refusing to be friends with an ex. Sometimes it’s a really bad idea. I think your inner voice is telling you this is one of those times. Make yourself available to someone you can trust and who will cherish you as you deserve.
I wish you well.