You’ve tried speaking to her about the situation and she told you that you didn’t understand. She rejected your advice. You can try talking to her again, helping her to see the reality of the situation, but it’s unlikely to work. It is worth trying but don’t have high expectations.
As you noted, she is facilitating his dependency. She is supporting his behavior. He plays video games all day long because she allows him to. She likely bought his computer for him, his two monitors, the chair he sits in, and so forth. She pays his bills so he doesn’t have to work. That affords him the time to play video games. She has gotten him water and turned on the fan after he has refused to do it for himself. It’s evident that she is willing to do anything for him. As she has told you, she feels guilty for not being there for him. Her guilt is likely the reason she is behaving as she is towards her son. There is likely nothing you can say or do that will change her devotion to her son. Again, you can try but you will likely have little success.
Regarding your relationship, you have to decide whether or not you want to be in a relationship with someone who is refusing to believe in reality. The purpose of dating is to determine if the other person is a match. Is this the individual with whom you want to spend your life? If you choose to stay and marry then this would become your problem. In following her lead, you would then also be guilty of encouraging her son’s dependency. If that’s not something you’re willing to do, then this relationship might not be right for you.
Unfortunately, even when people are engaging in behavior that is wrong, it’s not something that is easily rectified. She may eventually come to see the error of her ways but maybe not. Currently, her entire life revolves around her son and your relationship is secondary. That’s not a battle you can likely win.
Hopefully, she will realize the error of her ways. Maybe she will in the future. You might consult a therapist to help you understand the dynamics of this problem and to help you decide whether or not to stay. Should you decide to remain in this relationship, you will give up the right to complain about her relationship with her son. By staying, you are, in effect, endorsing her behavior. If you think it’s wrong and she’s not willing to change, then maybe this relationship should end.
Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle