I would agree with your assessment that you need help. I say this primarily for two reasons. The first is that you admittedly can no longer control your behavior. Violence used to be something you fantasized about. Now, it’s something you do.
Secondly, you have harmed both yourself and innocent animals. You are engaging in both dangerous and illegal behavior. It is a crime to harm animals. Animals are innocent creatures. Your cat is much smaller than you and cannot protect himself against you. It is abusive and wrong.
In the United States, the Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) significantly increased its penalties for individuals who harm animals. They did this because they know that individuals who harm animals will also likely hurt people. They consider crimes against animals to be crimes against humanity.
Whenever you recognize that something is wrong, the right thing to do is to seek help. This is especially true when innocent others, are at risk of being harmed. You stated that you have not told your parents for fear of how they will react. You don’t have to tell them all of the gory details. Simply tell them that you need help. Ask them to take you to counseling. It could help you immensely.
If you’re not willing to speak to your parents, go to the school guidance counselor and ask for their assistance. Again, you don’t have to detail everything you’ve been thinking about or doing. It’s enough to simply tell them that you want help.
In the meantime, you should avoid horror movies or anything that might increase your fantasies about violence. Viewing these materials seems to have a negative effect on your behavior and encourages you to carry out violence.
If you ever in a position in which you might harm yourself or someone else, call the authorities or a mental health crisis team. Should you harm another person or an animal, and get caught, you would likely go to jail. Even though you are young, you can still be incarcerated. They would also likely force you to seek mental health treatment. However, you don’t have to commit a crime in order to receive help. Asking for help either from your parents or from the school guidance counselor should ensure that you receive it.
I strongly believe that mental health treatment would help you. Something is motivating your desire to hurt yourself or others. This is not a “normal” way of feeling or behaving. People who want to hurt other people often are suffering and don’t know how else to handle their strong feelings. This is especially true among young adults. They are suffering and they either take it out on themselves and/or other people. It can be difficult to know how to manage strong emotions when you lack the proper skills to do so. This is why counseling could help you. You can learn adaptive and positive coping strategies for strong emotions.
It is good that you are asking for help. I see it as a very positive thing. You sense that something is wrong and that you would like help for it. The key is your asking for that help. Without help, this problem will likely worsen and you risk serious trouble for yourself. You want to avoid that outcome, if you can, (and you can) and thus the solution is asking for help.
I hope that I have answered your question in a satisfactory way. If you have additional questions, don’t hesitate to write again.
If you are thinking about hurting yourself or other people, call for help. Many communities have mental health crisis teams who will come to your home, assess the problem and if necessary, ensure that you receive treatment. That would be a much better outcome than you engaging in horrific crime and having to spend a long time or perhaps even your whole life in an incarceration facility. That sort of thing happens to people who can’t control their behavior and who refuse to seek help. Don’t risk that outcome for yourself. Ask for help and you can avoid any negative outcomes. Good luck and please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randle