There are several curious features of your email that I’d like to highlight because they seem to be unexplored.
To begin with, you are a woman declaring your love for a gay man who is married in a long-distance relationship. Psychologically this situation cannot be minimized or overlooked because I believe it has the dynamics that are creating the dilemma.
According to attachment theory we are going to be drawn to what we are familiar with, not what is good or right or healthy for us per se, but what we are used to. You are a woman drawn to a completely unavailable man. He is gay and married. This means that your choice, the very desire itself, is going to put you in a state of disappointment, misery, and frustration. The choice is the issue — not his reaction. Wanting what is not possible to have is a sure-fire recipe for pain. To add to this you then feel shocked that he doesn’t want a relationship with you. This is important. He didn’t kick you out of his life over a mistake — you chose someone who was not and could not be available for you and he has now confirmed this.
The unconscious choice to be drawn to someone unavailable is typically established by dynamics in the family of origin. More often than not a parent (or both) are emotionally unavailable. The most common manifestation of this is a parent with an alcohol problem, a compulsive disorder, or a psychological condition. Once unveiled it is typical for someone middle-aged to realize that many of their choices of intimacy have been similar, and the ones that were available were left or deemed unacceptable. I don’t know if anything like this was happening in your family, but this is often the situation.
I believe it takes great courage and persistence to understand and deal with this and this would be a very good opportunity for you to explore this with a therapist who can help you look at the family and relationship dynamics mentioned.
The mistake wasn’t the text — it was not realizing the choice you were making couldn’t work.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral