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My Boyfriend Had Sex with Me while I Was Asleep

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From a young woman in the UK:  My boyfriend who I live with, came home from a night out extremely drunk and got into bed beside me. I was fast asleep and he started touching me and kissing me. I only realised what was happening and woke up when he actually started having sex with me. Also I was ill and had a urine infection and was on antibiotics so he knew that sex was completely off the cards- I felt awful and was in pain

I was so shocked I barely said a word. I got up and went to work the next day without saying goodbye and received a message from him saying how sorry he was and that we needed to speak about what happened when I got home. I was relieved he remembered and knew what he did was wrong. He is the kindest and most loving person I’ve ever been with and I never in a million years expected anything like this to happen.

I’m am just so shocked and I just completely don’t know how to feel or react. I don’t know how to deal with this. He has never ever even attempted anything like this before and he doesn’t even have a very high sex drive and is has always says our relationship is so much more than that, I probably initiate sex more than him.

I know no matter how drunk anyone is that behaviour is so inappropriate but I haven’t really had a go at him or said that I need to sleep on my own etc. When I’m with him and hanging out it doesn’t feel that weird or uncomfortable but there’s just odd times during the day where I get images in my head and I freak out about it. Can someone please give me some advice on anything I can do to work this out even just for my own sanity?

My Boyfriend Had Sex with Me while I Was Asleep

Answered by on -

A.

Yes, what your boyfriend did was absolutely inappropriate. Yes, being drunk isn’t an excuse. But since you say he acknowledged what happened and apologized and, especially, since you said that he is a kind and loving guy, it’s just possible that this was a horrible mistake that won’t be repeated.

That doesn’t make it okay. Non-consensual sex is never okay. But his responsible reaction to your reaction may make it possible for the two of you to work things out together and move on. He has learned a hard lesson in what can happen when someone is as disinhibited as he was when that drunk.

It would help you feel better if the two of you talk about how much alcohol he can and can’t handle and make some rules around it. I suspect he already knows that If he continues to drink to that level of impairment, the consequences to your relationship will be dire. But it will help you trust him again if he acknowledges that self-awareness and agrees to ground rules around his drinking.

Forgiveness isn’t something someone can earn. It is a gift we give a person we think is worth it. Trust grows and remains when the other continues to treat our trust with respect and care.

Only you can decide if you can forgive his mistake and trust your boyfriend to not let it happen again. In this case, I do encourage you to look at everything you know about him, not just the very bad decision he made one night.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

My Boyfriend Had Sex with Me while I Was Asleep

TALK TO A THERAPIST NOW:

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2020). My Boyfriend Had Sex with Me while I Was Asleep. Psych Central. Retrieved on April 6, 2020, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2020/01/05/my-boyfriend-had-sex-with-me-while-i-was-asleep/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 3 Jan 2020 (Originally: 5 Jan 2020)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 3 Jan 2020
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.