Unfortunately, it’s impossible to provide a diagnosis over the Internet. I would have to know much more about your life and personal history to know what may be wrong. It’s always best to consult a professional, in-person, for a diagnosis. If you can do that, you should.
You mentioned being diagnosed with schizoaffective disorder. Schizoaffective disorder, and psychotic disorders in general, are thought disorders. From a broad perspective, a thought disorder is a psychological condition that can be defined as a disturbance in thinking, language and perception. It disrupts one’s ability to think logically. This means that individuals with a thought disorder may have difficulty with how they perceive things, interpret things, and respond to information. Individuals who have thought disorders often have a distorted understanding of reality.
Psychosis is an extreme form of thought disorder. Individuals who are psychotic temporarily lose the ability to determine what is real and what is not real. They also lose the ability to organize, control and process information properly. It affects all mental functions, including perception, affect, memory, thoughts, and behavior. It can be a very disconcerting experience.
A further complication of a thought disorder is a difficulty with communication. Often, individuals who are experiencing psychosis have a diminished capacity to communicate effectively. The warped thought processes of psychosis can be observable in speech. Individuals with thought disorders often struggle to communicate coherently and may inadvertently express bizarre and seemingly undecipherable vocal sentiments. Clinically speaking, this is sometimes known as word salad.
It may be that what you have described are the effects of your thought disorder. Nothing else may be wrong. It might explain why you are struggling with these unpleasant and disturbing thoughts. These thoughts seem to be happening to you through no fault of your own. They may simply be an extension of schizoaffective disorder.
It’s not clear from your letter whether or not you are taking medication. If your schizoaffective disorder is not under control, because you’re not currently in treatment, that might explain why you feel the way you do. If you are not in treatment, it would be best for you to start. You may benefit from cognitive behavioral therapy, other types of psychotherapy and/or medication. Many people have found that medication is particularly effective for thought disorders. The efficacy of medication can vary depending on the nature of the disorder and the severity of the symptoms, however it’s still worth exploring. In addition, some people tolerate medication better than others and it can take some time to find one you like. Ideally, you should be working with a psychiatrist to determine if medication would be helpful.
Thought disorders can significantly disrupt our understanding of ourselves and the world. You want to do everything in your power to ensure that your symptoms are diminished and or eliminated through treatment. Thankfully, medication has been shown to effectively decrease the symptoms associated with psychosis and can thereby assist in correcting your thought disorder. Hopefully, this answer provides some insight into your potential issue and helps you in determining how to proceed. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.
Dr. Kristina Randall