I am glad that you have taken the time to explain all of these uncomfortable and difficult symptoms. I think it is a good start and I want to dive right into your narrative because I believe it holds some important clues about a pathway for your recovery. Let’s start with your first 3 opening sentences.
“I can’t find it in myself to look forward to anything-everything is fleeting to me.” What is striking about your description is that it begins with you in search of you: “I can’t find it in myself…” I don’t want to minimize this because there is a very healthy part of you that is experiencing an unhealthy—or at least non-optimal part of you. That same healthy part then goes on to say: “. I can only think negatively about anything as it is too exhausting for me to be optimistic.” Again, in an important way you are saying that you know how to challenge these unhealthy thoughts by being optimistic—but that it is difficult because it is exhausting. Then you explain this struggle at its very core: “I constantly think about suicide but know that I don’t have the guts for it.”
In each of these opening sentences (and every other one as you review them), there is a healthy you that is being challenged by unhealthy responses. The healthy part is the one frustrated by the lack of progress and the one that is trying to get the right combination of forces together to feel better. It is up against the unhealthy part that, right now, is hijacking your healthy part and having you do things (like manipulating your BF) that your healthy part sees as “awful.”
Your last sentence has gotten it exactly right in the part that says you feel unbalanced—but this is definitely NOT beyond repair. You being able to notice and feel what is not okay tells us that the healthy part is what needs to emerge and grow. I am suggesting you do two things to make this happen.
The first is to learn about your character strengths by going to this website. Character strengths are something that, when used properly, bring us back into balance. They have to do with things like our persistence, gratitude, self-regulation, etc. Learning about them and how to use them is one of the best ways to bring yourself back into balance. Take the character strength survey on the site and follow the instructions about using your strengths more.
Finally, I would encourage you to work with a therapist to help speed this process along. The Find Help tab at the top of this page will help you find someone in your area.
Thanks for writing in and let us know how you’ve done!
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral