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Husband Recently Stated He Would Like to Have a Threesome

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Marriage issue…his needs vs my needs Been married for 20 plus years. Husband recently stated he would like to have a threesome. I am not comfortable with it. We have discussed it several times and my comfort level is not there. When he thinks I may do it, he is loving to me. But when I said I not comfortable, he is sad and distant. He doesn’t understand why I won’t come out of my comfort zone for him. And I don’t understand, why this is so important and necessary for him. Our sex life had always been good! Am I wrong for not wanting to do this because that is how he is making me feel or should I be more adventurous for him? Please help..feel like I am going in circles

Husband Recently Stated He Would Like to Have a Threesome

Answered by on -

A.

Hold your ground. As this popular blog will attest here are the things that can go wrong with a threesome, not the least of which is jealousy and comparison.

If you add this to the fact that you are reluctant to begin with then the chance for resentment is very high on your part. At this stage of the game, it would invite trouble because if you are not willingly participating it increases the risks that there will be an unwanted reaction.

Experts and advice blogs on this topic like this one and this have some specific suggestions going forward, but I think you’ll want to honor your understandable inhibition on this. The main reason is that when a couple comes to this type of disagreement it may be an indication that there are underlying issues of discontent, dissatisfaction, or boredom. If that is the case a licensed marriage and family counselor you can find here might be the best first stop.

One way to at least move the conversation and information gathering forward is the suggestion by this blog to experiment with watching threesome porn and talk about it with your husband afterward. As with most issues with couples the more discussion you can have about a joint decision — the better.

The biggest concern for a couple when one partner is reluctant is the regret that can follow the decision. If you abdicate yourself to please your husband the aftermath will be regret that you didn’t stand up for yourself more, and resentment for him putting you in the position. The argument could be made by both of you that your partner’s need should be enough to change your position. However, in your husband’s role, her is giving up a fantasy — while you would be giving up your boundary.

If none of the solutions seem to fit you may also want to talk with an individual therapist about your own struggle with this decision. This can give you a safe place to think about your concerns. You may want to find a therapist that is trained and has experience working with couples who also does individual work. This way you can get the benefit of having someone who knows how couples function — but who can also offer you a place to sort through your own feelings. The find help at the top of this page can help you find a professional near you.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

Husband Recently Stated He Would Like to Have a Threesome

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). Husband Recently Stated He Would Like to Have a Threesome. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 5, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/11/23/husband-recently-stated-he-would-like-to-have-a-threesome/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 21 Nov 2019 (Originally: 23 Nov 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 21 Nov 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.