I have several thoughts about this, but I will be straying away from the typical approach of trying to facilitate their issues prior to the weddings. I would begin in a very different place with this process before offering thoughts on facilitating it.
The first question for you and your brother is to decide how important is it for both parents to be present at these weddings. Your needs and those of your future mates are the first and primary thing to consider.
The first question I’d ask is: “Do you want both parents there at both weddings? If you say ‘yes’ to that I would then ask ‘why?’ Why do you want to have them there when it is your day and being concerned about their respective antagonism in the room could be a distraction? If you come up with an answer for this that is more than a mere obligation, then let’s work toward a solution.
If you find that their presence together doesn’t suit you or your brother then take a stand with that decision. I highly advocate for couples to do what works for them first and foremost. Trying to please everyone else involved can be overwhelming.
If you do decide you want them there then my recommendation isn’t for a Marriage and Family Therapist (MFT) to do the facilitation, but rather to get the experts in a one-day event with divorced parents in the same room: A wedding planner.
Most quality wedding planners have had an exceptional amount of experience in these things and advice is readily available from them as is evidenced here.
If you don’t need a planner for the entirety of the event, you could certainly get a one-time consult, even if it is by phone with a seasoned professional. The key here is for you and your brother and mates to have a plan of what is most likely to work. A topnotch wedding planner would be my first recommendation if you want both parents to attend. Here is a list of professional wedding planners who may be able to help. I also believe this approach will be much more cost-effective than therapy.
Thanks, and we’d love to hear back from you to let us know how the weddings went!
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral