The most curious of everything you’ve said is imbedded in your last line: “Also, I feel as if I opt for professional help, I might lose all my sadness, and I’d have no ground to stand on.” If you are saying that without your sadness, your weakness of mind would be exposed and there would be “…no ground to stand on…” this is important to look into and understand. There are three important things to reflect on:
First, your depression sounds very real and rather than question how strong your mind is, or endure the accusations of others about your strength of mind and courage, you must recognize these are not the right people to talk to or share your feelings of depression with. Well-meaning as they might be — they have made it worse by blaming you. By every measure and understanding about how to help someone with depression this is wrong and they are proving themselves to be the wrong people to go to to share these feelings. The last thing you want or need is criticism about how you are feeling and being told to: “stop thinking about shit.” These folks are simply not the right ones to help you. Don’t look to them for comfort.
Secondly, it is not hypocritical to talk about independence, responsibilities, and free will and still feel depressed. They are judging you harshly while at the same time not really taking the time to understand your state of mind. Don’t let their opinions convince you you are worse than you are. They simply do not understand. Again, it may be out of love, but it is misdirected.
The last thing has to do with you seeking professional help. One reason why you may have spent so long feeling your depression and not talking about it is fearing the very reaction you’ve received. The way out is professional help. Let someone who understands how to treat depression work with you, stop looking to your family and friend for help, and take the healthier risk that losing all your sadness and finding better ways to cope with it will be the healthier alternative than looking to your family and friend.
