From a teen in the U.S.: I’m normally pretty fine. But every once in a while I’ll have a sudden hit of sadness. Like it goes from a little sad to the point I’m crying and shaking. Then a thought pops into my head and it’s like “kill yourself” but I don’t want to. Like I get just a rapid-fire of suicidal thoughts telling me to die and I don’t want to. Like someone else wants me dead, and I’m like “no I don’t wanna die” but I feel like these thoughts are gonna one day overpower my normal thoughts of not wanting to die and I’m gonna kill myself.
But this only lasts for like a few minutes like 5 mins to an hour. The longest was a day and when it’s over I’m completely fine like I wasn’t just about hurt my self. I know on one side of my brain I don’t want to do it I’m not going to. But it’s like I have a mental back seat driver telling me to end it all and I have to tell it to be quiet. I’ll lay in bed alone having to verbally tell them to go away cause I don’t want to do it but then I feel like it’s just there and I don’t want them to be and my mind things against itself. It’s not like a voice or anything but thought and I feel like it’s not mine.
Like after it’s over I’ll sit up and it almost goes quiet and I just feel like my mind has been invaded by someone. I never thought about it like that till now. Now that I have it’s freaking me out cause I was thinking “what if someone is in here and I don’t know and they want me dead. But that’s just so they can have it instead”
None of this ever goes on for longer than a day and before that, I was just ready but not trying to die. Now I have to find someone and tell them I wanna die just to get help or reassurance from someone. But I’m not sure what that is.
I don’t know what’s going on, but I do know that it’s important to take it seriously. It’s possible that there is so much talk on social media about suicide as a way some teens solve problems that you are sort of “trying it on” when things get tough. (What’s reassuring to me is that you have enough self-esteem and good sense to reject the idea.) On the other hand, the thoughts may be a symptom of something more serious medically or psychologically. For your own peace of mind, you need to get help to figure it out.
In order to do that, I urge you to see a counselor ASAP. You have already been troubled too long by this. You are also troubled that you may be troubled. If you let that continue, you are likely to get increasingly anxious about it. A counselor can talk to you in detail about your experience and can help you tease out what is going on.
You live in an area where there are many qualified counselors who work with teens and young adults. Talk to your school counselor or to your doctor about who they suggest. By all means, involve your parents if you can. I hope you have folks who will support you in getting the help you need and who will accept some guidance about how best to help you.
I wish you well.
I Feel Like I Have Thoughts that Aren’t Mine
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). I Feel Like I Have Thoughts that Aren’t Mine. Psych Central.
Retrieved on December 5, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/11/15/i-feel-like-i-have-thoughts-that-arent-mine/
Last updated: 11 Nov 2019 (Originally: 15 Nov 2019) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 11 Nov 2019 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.