I’ve been having these very graphic and violent thoughts about murder. I’ve had these thoughts ever since i was about 8. I’ve read about similar stuff, but most people talk about feeling guilt for these thoughts. I don’t feel guilty for thinking about this. It’s something I enjoy. The only thing i’m scared about is going to jail, or not being able to get better at horseback riding. I’ve been looking at shocksites on the internet like bestgore.com to get a feel for what a dead person looks like, and it makes me feel happily strange. I’ve talked to my dad about this, but he doesn’t believe, or he just does nothing. Sometimes he’ll talk about his violent fantasies, and it ends up giving me ideas to kill people with. I’ve already written up a plan to murder a girl in my class, and the only thing stopping me from doing it is that I don’t know where she lives. The councilors at school aren’t helpful and neither is my psychologist. Is this some kind of mental illness I was born with or was I born as some messed up monster. The only reason for writing this is because I needed to get this out, as I’ve been keeping this to myself. I don’t see it as an issue. So far, I’ve been able to keep my ‘bloodlust’ down by fantasizing about violent murder and cannibalism. Aside from my want to kill, I’ve also had a want to kill and eat someone. I don’t feel disgusted by these thoughts, only joy and excitement. I have never really been abused in my life, so I don’t have any real reason for these thoughts I guess. If I told someone, would I be put into a mental institute or some sort of asylum? I’m sorry if this sounds silly and fake, I’ve just had an urge to talk to someone, or anyone about this. Thanks for your time. (From Australia)
I think it is a very brave thing for you to continue to seek treatment and verification for your thoughts and feelings. Your perseverance and judgment about the need to have someone help is an important part of your healing. While it would not be possible for me to offer you a diagnosis of any kind I’ll offer what I think fits with your description. This is more like me responding to a test in graduate school where they would explain a series of symptoms and then ask what sort of things to check and rule out.
A book review from an important source is here at PsychCentral here and an answer to another question about this here.
The essence of all these is the risk of acting on these thoughts and feelings and images. What is key here is to explain to your psychologist and school counselors that these fantasies have been happening for six years, that you’ve developed a plan to murder a girl in your class. You don’t want to ignore the fact that the ideation can lead to a greater risk—and neither should they.
There is more information here, but what is more important than anything else is your determination and bravery in confronting these thoughts. Please talk to your counselors and psychologist today, and if need be show them this response.
Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.
APA Reference Tomasulo, D. (2019). Extreme Violent Thoughts. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 21, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/11/10/extreme-violent-thoughts/
Last updated: 8 Nov 2019 (Originally: 10 Nov 2019) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Nov 2019 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.