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Woke Up to My Boyfriend Having Sex with Me While I Was Asleep

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The incident happened almost 2 months ago now. It had been a long day for me so when I saw my boyfriend at 8 pm that night we decided to relax and watch tv. He tried to initiate sex and asked me if I wanted to and I told him NO I’m just really tired and not in the mood today. I fell asleep shortly afterward, I wasn’t in deep sleep yet and I think that’s how I was able to tell something wasn’t right it felt like I was being touched down below. I never opened my eyes I just turned over on the left side facing away from where my boyfriend would be laying on the bed and went back to sleep. I believe a few hours past when it felt like a bright light was near my eyes even with them being closed it felt that way and I started to wake up and that’s when I realized what was happening. I woke up to my boyfriend on top of me and inside of me I was horrified and disgusted and cursed at him and told him to get off of me. He quickly apologized and said he thought I was awake and would never do something like this to me, that I know he’s a good person, and we’ve been together for almost 3 years. He left the room and went to the bathroom. I realized he must have undressed me from waist below because I fell asleep with my jean shorts on and all I had currently were his basketball shorts on at the bottom of my ankles, no underwear. I then saw two condoms on the ground in the room and then it all made sense earlier when I woke up he must have done this then too. And I also had this weird feeling the light that woke me up was from a phone taking a video and it really made me think did he rape me and take pics and videos of it!? I was disgusted and still am—how can you not tell that someone is asleep if you’re undressing them. And why did he take off my panties if he claims he took my pants off so I’d be more comfortable I never sleep naked so it wasn’t necessary for him to take my underwear off.

I really need advice because I don’t know what to do about this situation mentally. I’ve been sexually assaulted when I was in high school but this was a whole new level. He sounds so apologetic and wants to work things out but he’s also lying to me because he’s only admitting to doing it the one time that night but I know my body and I saw the two condoms and if what he’s claiming is true it doesn’t make sense. He’s saying he was only having sex with me for 5 mins then he realized I was asleep. He wants to work it out says he loves me and wants a future with me but I believe what he did was pretty much rape. I really feel traumatized by this and so turned off by him, and just turned off in general to any form of intimacy. Is it possible to develop ptsd from a situation like this? Should I set up an appointment to see a therapist in person, I just feel so lost.

Woke Up to My Boyfriend Having Sex with Me While I Was Asleep

Answered by on -

A.

Your instincts are right — to make an appointment with a therapist. If you need help locating one in your area you can check the find help tab at the top of this page.

There are three things that are bothersome about this situation and it makes sense that you would be very upset and disturbed by what happened. First, he asked and you said ‘NO.’ This is important because it was clear that you did not want to do this, and he was specifically told this by you directly. There is no doubt or confusion.

Secondly, you were undressed after you told him ‘NO.’ This means that there was never a ‘yes’ given. Your boyfriend took your lack of response as a yes — this isn’t okay.

Finally, the light is being interpreted by you being videoed without your consent, which is leading to you not trusting him, feeling traumatized, and turned off. All of these things can have a direct result on your mental well-being and a discussion with an experienced therapist in PTSD would be very advisable. I would make this appointment sooner rather than later because this isn’t just about your relationship with your boyfriend, it is about how you will feel about other relationships in the future.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

 

Woke Up to My Boyfriend Having Sex with Me While I Was Asleep

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). Woke Up to My Boyfriend Having Sex with Me While I Was Asleep. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/10/31/woke-up-to-my-boyfriend-having-sex-with-me-while-i-was-asleep/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 30 Oct 2019 (Originally: 31 Oct 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 30 Oct 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.