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My Father and Mother Fighting Issue Not as Anyone Expected

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Hello,
I am 17 years old and preparing for competition exam, my problem is far beyond your expectations please helppppp.
So since my birth my father used to beat my mom and she has suffered all of those for us ( me and brother ) this thing continues till I was 12-year-old fight used to once or twice in a week but not all time beating and all sometimes it is just vocal but after I was 12 my mother got to know her rights and she becomes too aggressively to slap my father in case of misbehaving. Meaning that during 1-12 my father was dominant
But after I was 12 it was something of the middle which is even worse since nobody used to apologize. When I hit 14 my mother almost lost all her control and become highly dominant which result in peace because my father is now scared of my mom but there were an occasional fight because mother used to be too angry but it went well
Things changed after my father’;s accident he got the brain clots which make him mad for almost one month that one month me my big brother and mom had sacrificed everything ( sleep money rest) to take his care but when he was like alright to go to work we observe a change in his behaviour he was back the same one who like to get all the attention of house everyone should stop his work when he enters room now I am preparing for exam out of the city and I have received everyday my dad call crying that mom is beating him and not making food to eat which is completely opposite told by my mom .she says that he is the one who always starts arguing and mom cannot take it down ( since she is dominating now) I don’t know what to do now as I have heard from my dad that he didn’t wish to live .
Also, I forget to tell you ( my mom attempt suicide when my dad was torturing her when I was about 8 yr old she luckily got saved )
Now, dad is the financial stability of the family and I cannot do anything (From India)

My Father and Mother Fighting Issue Not as Anyone Expected

Answered by on -

A.

Thank you for sharing this difficult situation with us. I hope I can offer some support and guidance. The heartbreaking detail about your father’s abuse — now your mother’s — is an important series of dynamics to understand. You’ve grown up in a highly dysfunctional household where your father’s brutality toward your mother both physically and verbally was the default, the norm of the situation. When you turned 12, the tables were turned and your mother’s empowerment turned toward abuse.

Now, after your father’s accident and the conflicting reports from your parents you are feeling like you can’t do anything. There is a good reason for you to be feeling this way. The problems in your family started long before and as you are making preparations to leave by taking your examination you are more fully realizing all their issues and problems. The reason you are feeling like you cannot do anything is that you can not. Your parent’s problems run much deeper than what their 17-year-old son can manage. Their conflicts are not yours to solve. Your work now is on continuing to prepare for the exam away from them, do well enough to be able to leave, and begin developing your own path of independence and individuation.

By your parents not providing you with a better environment for you to develop in they have not given you or your brother what you could have used in growing up. Both you and your brother will need to support and help each other through this next phase of life. Seek support from teachers, your school, where you worship and extended family to help you through this time. Use your resources for your development, not for trying to correct parents that are embroiled in their own mistreatment of each other. Focus on you and your brother’s development, not on your parents.

I realize this may not be what you want to hear. Yet, detaching with love is a term often used when family members are too far involved in their pathology for you to be of genuine help without depleting yourself. Detaching with love means that you can have compassion for them, but not get too absorbed in trying to fix them. This may be difficult, but it is one of the only ways to get through this time without depleting yourself.

Wishing you patience and peace,
Dr. Dan
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral

My Father and Mother Fighting Issue Not as Anyone Expected

Daniel J. Tomasulo, PhD, TEP, MFA, MAPP

Dan Tomasulo Ph.D., TEP, MFA, MAPP teaches Positive Psychology in the graduate program of Counseling and Clinical Psychology at Columbia University, Teachers College and works with Martin Seligman, the Father of Positive Psychology in the Masters of Applied Positive Psychology (MAPP) program at the University of Pennsylvania. He is Director of the New York Certification in Positive Psychology for the Open Center in New York City and on faculty at New Jersey City University. Sharecare has honored him as one of the top 10 online influencers on the topic of depression. For more information go to: http://www.dare2behappy.com/. He also writes for Psych Central's Ask the Therapist column and the Proof Positive blog.

APA Reference
Tomasulo, D. (2019). My Father and Mother Fighting Issue Not as Anyone Expected. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/10/29/my-father-and-mother-fighting-issue-not-as-anyone-expected/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 28 Oct 2019 (Originally: 29 Oct 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 28 Oct 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.