Thank you for writing. I hear your despair. I’m glad you are in therapy and I sincerely hope you have told him/her what you’ve shared in your letter.
You say you’ve been dealing with the same feelings since you were only 14 years old. Sadly, you didn’t get the help that you needed at the time. It worries me that you may still be in some ways stuck in your 14 year old self. It often happens when people have been hurt as much as you have been. You may have developed an idea of yourself that wasn’t true then and isn’t true now but that still informs how you think about yourself.
I hope you and your therapist are talking about the mistaken conclusions you reached as a teen and how you can go about approaching your problems differently.
You say that you have nothing in your past to guide you. That is completely untrue. At the very least, you know what ideas and behaviors haven’t helped you. That’s an important place to start. You and your therapist can examine the choices you have made and how they have been self-defeating. If you are willing to make changes, your therapist can provide support and guidance while you try out new ideas and new ways to function in the world.
You are intellectually very smart but emotionally stuck. I hope you will marshal your considerable intelligence to do some difficult therapeutic work. It takes courage to reconsider long held beliefs. It takes courage to consider new perspectives and to try out recommended actions. It will be hard but I bet you have what it takes to do it.
I wish you well.