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How Do I Handle My Boyfriend’s Double Sexual Standard?

Asked by on with 1 answer:

From a young woman in Lebanon: Hello, I’ve been in a relation ship with the sweetest guy for 2 months, he lives alone and clearly had too much sexual partners. First i told him i don’t want to have sex and he thought i’m a virgin but i told him that since i want to wait more.

But one day i cleared the idea and i told him im not a virgin and he was surprised and upset since we live in a country that girls should stay virgin until marriage and he thinks of me as a wife and he prefers his wife to be virgin no one ever popped her cherry.

But the problem is that i lied and told him i lost it to my ex but he took it good eventually but the truth is that i lost it way before at younger age and if i tell him that i had 5 sexual partners he will be very mad and may want to end us for good.

But the idea that i lied to him is killing me i’m stressing myself out and i don’t want to tell him the truth scared that he will think differently about me or break up with me. How can i act to this situation?

How Do I Handle My Boyfriend’s Double Sexual Standard?

Answered by on -

A.

You have learned a hard lesson in the consequences of lying. Trust and truth are the basis for any lasting relationship. Once broken, trust takes a long time to reestablish. I’m not at all optimistic that you can keep this relationship. Neither are you.

You are probably correct that your boyfriend will think of you differently once you do tell him the truth. I think you’ve known that from the beginning. Maybe you thought you could continue the lie. Maybe you thought that once he knew and loved you, he would change his mind about his values. But values are very, very difficult to change. From his point of view, if you now tell him the truth, he will think to himself: “You lied about your virginity. You lied about only being sexual with your ex. Now you are telling me you’ve had multiple partners??” He will wonder when the lying stops.

Fortunately, you’ve only been with this guy 2 months. There will be nothing gained by lying some more. All you can do to perhaps salvage this relationship is to tell the truth and see what happens. If your boyfriend can’t accept you as you are, then you owe it to both of you to end it.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

How Do I Handle My Boyfriend’s Double Sexual Standard?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). How Do I Handle My Boyfriend’s Double Sexual Standard?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 22, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/10/14/how-do-i-handle-my-boyfriends-double-sexual-standard/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Oct 2019 (Originally: 14 Oct 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Oct 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.