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Blackmailing My BF into Staying with Me After He Domestically Abused Me

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I have BPD and my boyfriend once domestically abused me (1.5 years ago). After it happened, I made sure to take pictures, videos and to keep the bloodied object that was used as well as the bloodied paper towels. I went to the doctor the next day to make sure that the situation would be professionally documented.

I should have felt scared or angry or concerned, but I actually felt relieved that I had this metaphorical leash and collar on him. If he tries to leave, I can just go to the police, press charges with all of the evidence I have and destroy his life. He hopes his career will allow him to travel the world, which is hard to do with a criminal record.

I wish I could give him back his freedom by destroying the evidence, but I’m afraid he’ll leave if I do, and I don’t think I can live without him.

If it helps, I’ve tried DBT, CBT, and a bunch of meds (antidepressant, antipsychotics and benzos) Of course none of the work as well as booze and weed do. Please, I would really appreciate it if no one mentioned active mindfulness exercises, retreating into my body and experiencing the words through my sensory organs just makes me feel fat and sweaty, which obviously does not help.

Blackmailing My BF into Staying with Me After He Domestically Abused Me

Answered by on -


It’s not clear what your question is. Your boyfriend should have never “domestically abused” you. It sounds as if it was a violent incident. Not only did you feel the need to document the incident, but you also reported it to the police. That was the right thing to do. That type of event should always be reported to the police.

Apparently, you decided against pressing charges. Otherwise, the police would have been involved.

Perhaps you decided against pressing charges because you wanted to save that option for the future. You may have wanted to have something you can hold against him should he ever step out of line. In that way, you have all of the control.

Your boyfriend’s abusing you was morally wrong but blackmail is equally wrong. It’s a form of manipulation, an attempt to gain control over another human being. It’s a way to get him to do what you want under threat of harm or coercion.

What he did to you was wrong. Abuse is never acceptable. Neither is blackmail. It’s an attempt to leverage your power so you can hurt him, should the need arise.

What’s more is that you don’t seem to think that there’s anything wrong with your plan. Perhaps you feel it’s the appropriate revenge for abuse. As the saying goes, two wrongs don’t make a right. His abuse of you was physical. Your abuse of him is psychological. It wasn’t okay for him to abuse you and it’s not okay for you to abuse him.

The fact that you tolerated his harming you is concerning. Did you only decide to stay in the relationship because you saw it as an opportunity for leverage? If so, that is not an appropriate response to abuse. A relationship replete with manipulation and abuse is not a healthy one.

Regarding treatment, using drugs and alcohol as a form of treatment is never recommended. Being high may temporarily make you feel better in the sense that you won’t think about your problems but then the drugs wear off. Continued use of drugs and alcohol can ruin your life.

You should continue to search for the right treatment. It’s not uncommon for people to try multiple types of treatment in order to find something that works. I understand that the search can be frustrating. It can take time to find someone who can help but it’s well worth your time and effort. Don’t give up.

I typically recommend contacting four to five therapists and interviewing them over the phone. You might also need to do this with psychiatrists. Therapists provide the counseling and the psychiatrists provide the medications. Good luck with your efforts. Please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Blackmailing My BF into Staying with Me After He Domestically Abused Me

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2019). Blackmailing My BF into Staying with Me After He Domestically Abused Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on September 26, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 8 Oct 2019 (Originally: 12 Oct 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 8 Oct 2019
Published on Psych All rights reserved.