Yes. Your feelings are absolutely valid. Abuse isn’t always about penetration. Abuse is about the violation of boundaries — in this case the boundary between an adolescent and an adult man who was in a position of authority. He was supposed to be acting as a “stepfather” who would protect and support you while you were at a distance from your mom. Instead, this man crossed boundaries that should not have been crossed. He was far too interested in your body. Massaging you crossed a line. Your discomfort mattered. He knew you didn’t like it, but he persisted in doing it. Instead of questioning the agency’s demand that you lose weight, he joined in on the pressure. These are not the behaviors of a protective father figure.
And — very important — don’t blame yourself! You were only 12 when your father died. You were still managing that grief. At 16, you were insecure and didn’t have enough experience in the world to understand your rights for privacy and this man’s responsibility to maintain boundaries. The blows to your self-esteem by the modeling agency made you even more vulnerable. (In my opinion, the insistence of weight loss contributed to your eating disorders now.)
Please listen to your therapist. You shouldn’t have to see this man at all and your mother needs to understand that. I do have one suggestion: If you don’t think you can handle talking to your mother on your own, consider asking the therapist to meet with you and your mom together for that conversation. A therapist can provide a safe place to talk about difficult things.
Meanwhile, I hope you will share your entire letter with your therapist. You are suffering from multiple traumas. If you haven’t told your therapist what you told me about the various ways you are unsuccessfully coping (eating disorder, cutting, getting drunk), you really need to do so. She can’t give you as much help as you need and deserve unless she has your whole story.
I wish you well.