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Trying to Understand Why My Family Doesn’t Want to Fix Things with Me

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There was a family issue that happened not that long ago, and it started because my aunt had an issue about my father not acting upon my boyfriend and i who was drinking at the family party. Mind you everyone was drinking a lot as well because it was a celebration but instead the light was on me as if i was the alcoholic of the family. We werent breaking anything, we werent disrespecting everyone we kept to ourselves, well my boyfriend tried to get to know my family because it was his first time meeting them but i did of course cry during a speech because the celebration was about my cousin’s going away party in Japan so it was a very emotional day. My boyfriend did ask if it was okay to drink and my family said it was okay. But we didnt cause drama just the fact we were drunk. But we also werent the only ones as i said. My aunt had turned her daughters who i was very close to against me, saying a rumor that i say they do drugs. Her daughter tells me how the rumor started and my aunt called my dad asking if i said those rumors. What i want to know is that why didnt she speak to me about it??? If i was the one saying these things, im 22 years old and i think im old enough to handle situations like this, i couldnt understand why didnt she speak to me about this. The rumors are untrue of course. I tried speaking to my aunt by text and phone calls and she ignored me. It hurts to be ignored especially when words were put into your mouth and you wanted to fix things but its sad how one can just throw you away as if you didnt exist. Im currently going through feeling abandoned or hated by my family. The daughters have distant themselves from me even though i had talk to them about this incident trying to tell them that i didnt spread rumors. We were close but now im looked as the bad person. My father and my aunt had arguments and i know sibling fights are the worst, ive had terrible fights with my brother and we say things we dont mean. my father told me my aunt called my boyfriend and i losers and her daughters are perfect going to a university and theyll never date a person like him. It also had a lot to do with his appearance that he has tattoos. My family are old school and dont believe in tattoos. And a lot of the times ive visit to see her daughters (my cousins) she never bothered to ask how i was doing or what i was doing with my life. Im currently working and going to college so knowing what my aunt had said about me is pretty hurtful. How can i move on from this or understand that ill never get to reconcile with my family who i was once close to? Was it right that my aunt didnt speak to me to resolve issues?ive been in her daughters life for so long that i would think she would be able to speak to me. Im having a hard time trying to move on from this and i just want know how can i move on if there isnt a way to fix this?

Trying to Understand Why My Family Doesn’t Want to Fix Things with Me

Answered by on -

A.

Unfortunately, your power in this situation is limited. You can’t control other people. You can’t control how people think about you. You can try to make someone think a particular way about you and it still may not have the intended effect. It likely will have no effect at all or it may even backfire.

People often filter things about the world through the lens of what’s going on in their lives. For instance, if they’re struggling or having problems, they may be taking out their frustrations or their inability to resolve their problems, on you. They may not even be aware of it. In other words, it may not be deliberate.

Alternatively, it’s also possible that it is deliberate. Not everyone is reasonable or open to change. Some people are close minded and only want to see things from a certain perspective. They are not open to new ideas and thus can be rigid, unreasonable and difficult. These characteristics may or may not accurately describe the people with whom you are interacting but that should be determined. Their intentions are more important than their actions.

You know them well. You have a much better sense of how they are and what they’re like. Try to view the situation from their perspective. Consider how they typically interact with others. It might provide insight into why they’re treating you in a particular way. You might also consider what may be going on in their lives that might be leading them to have this reaction towards you.

Miscommunication also seems to be part of this issue. Perhaps their understanding of the situation is different than yours and they’re coming to a different conclusion than you are.

There are many people involved in these matters. As you said in your letter, instead of talking directly to you about this problem, your aunt attempted to address it with other people in the family. Obviously, she should have spoken to you directly but that apparently is not her style of interacting.

Try your hardest to resolve this matter and if they are not receptive, then it’s best to limit your interactions with them. Understandably, it’s difficult to tolerate unresolved matters but it appears as though you may have no choice in the matter.

You’ve tried to explain your side of the story. You’ve called. You’ve texted. You’ve left messages. They are simply nonresponsive. Maybe, after time passes, or something changes, they’ll be more responsive. For now, it seems as though you’ve done all you can. Hopefully, things will change but for now, it may be best to keep your distance and move on with your life. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

Trying to Understand Why My Family Doesn’t Want to Fix Things with Me

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2019). Trying to Understand Why My Family Doesn’t Want to Fix Things with Me. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 7, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/10/03/trying-to-understand-why-my-family-doesnt-want-to-fix-things-with-me/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 1 Oct 2019 (Originally: 3 Oct 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 1 Oct 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.