Thank you for having the courage to talk so openly about your issues. I think it is a brave thing to be able to look back, reflect, and want to make changes. This is the essential spark for the motivation needed to make a change — and I am very glad you have written to us here.
My best guess is that you pattern of pushing people away may have to do with intimacy concerns. This often explains why people are aware of the dance they do when relationships get closer, but aren’t aware that the very thing they are looking for scares them to the point where they push the person they want (or people they want) away.
To help with this there are a number of suggestions given to those in relationships with someone who has an intimacy issue. I’d check out this blog to see what is often prescribed as a response to someone who is pushing you away. I think this is a good way to understand what might work when you are in a relationship again. Additionally, here are some suggestions for building relationship skill when intimacy is an issue.
The key feature is often a type of fear of being abandoned that bubbles up once people start feeling close to someone. As we move closer to the very thing we need and want a sense of not being able to keep it creeps in and we sabotage what we were striving for. I hope the links provided will give some help in having you move forward. Writing us was the first step — following through with some of these suggestions and considering therapy is a good way to follow up.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral