Since I was 9 (that’s 5 years), it feels like a haze follows me everywhere. The first few years it was probably puberty or something, but I felt a little less than neutral all the time, cried at night sometimes, and got irritated easily. I guess that’s still now, I remember being more “edgy” the first 2 years, that’s something to laugh at maybe.
I don’t get angry as easily now, but I get irritable and random bursts of anger that leads to actions I regret later, I hurt the people around me.
I generally criticize myself a lot, “Everything’s your fault.”, “You’re wasting your time.”, “Everyone is better off without you.”, it gets worse, but I won’t go in-depth.
Oddly, I find my blood fascinating to look at, just my own. I pick at scabs, watch my blood clot, bite my arm and cover it with the marks (no blood or anything), dig my nails hard enough for the skin to peel off a little. Guro art and gore never really bothered me. My dreams involved death, self-harm, suicide, my leg exploded once–never really got bothered by it. Happened a few times.
Self-harm is something I haven’t ventured to, and I hope I don’t. But lately it’s kind of bad, so I thought I would come here. I take online tests, but those aren’t reliable. I don’t want to kick up a fuss and end up being completely fine and I’m just making a mountain out of a molehill, which is dumb because that’s a good thing. But in a way, I’m scared that all this was something I could have prevented, which I keep telling myself it is, that all this negative stuff was something I came up with and that I messed it up for myself. If that makes sense.
It’s illogical, I know. But if I do end up with something, I’m scared of how it’ll affect the people around me. And the money it would take.
I have a good life, family, friends, I don’t get abused, yadi yadi ya. My mom is in a field of work where she sees people who self harm sometimes, she says its a stupid action, and in a way, I guess it is. I played it off as a friend who has these feelings, and she tells me their parents should know if she was depressed. That got me thinking that maybe I was making things up in my mind. I haven’t told anyone.
I scare myself, I think I’m messed up in the head sometimes. It feels like my emotions have been put through a filter, I laugh, smile genuinely, but at the same time it feels like I’m not. It’s a weird feeling.
I don’t have hope for my future, I feel like I won’t be there to see it somehow. I feel like whatever I do won’t help, so I don’t really want to try.
I’m mentally tired all the time, physically tired often and I just want to sleep for a long time. I’m just kind of done with everything, I keep homework to the last minute, literally do it during break. I don’t care a lot, but I critisize myself because of that.
I don’t have much motivation, I don’t want to go out, I would rather stay home alone. Sleep, use my phone. My friend told me once I was acting off, she was worried, but I never told her why.
It feels weird to pour things out, I don’t do that. Somehow I don’t want to get too close to people, enough for them to hurt me. Which is strange, no one has really hurt me like that before. My inner turmoil and thoughts I have contradict what I am like to the people around me, I think I would rather die than have people I know how I’m feeling like.
I get to school find, study ok, do my responsibilities. But I feel like I’m doing all that with the bare minimum of effort, I’m not doing what I would call my best. Life seems way harder than it actually is to me. I want this to stop, but it’s all I remember, truthfully. So I guess somehow I think it’s safe in a way, I don’t know what a life is like without this anymore. My dad always says he misses the little girl who was so cheerful and helpful. I don’t know how to feel about that.
I might get written off as an emo teenager, which I already expect. I’m sorry this was so long. (Singapore)