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Is It Possible to Regain my Boyfriend’s Trust?

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From a teen in England: I lied to my boyfriend for over 1 1/2 years about my sexual relation with my ex. When he kept asking I would say I did nothing. I confessed recently that I did do things but only confessed 10% of it. He offered me the chance to tell him anything else but I didn’t and I promised him that I won’t lie again.

He is very big on promises and the fact that I promised him and didn’t be fully honest has hurt him very much. He loves me to bits and doesn’t want to leave me and has asked for space, i told him the whole thing and he was furious, because when the chance was given to be honest I wasn’t.

I am so scared that this will be the end of us but I do not want it to be, I love him so much and I cannot lose him at all. We are in a long distance relationship so we rarely see each other but when I saw him and confessed I was so scared to tell him the other things for no reason, I don’t know why I didn’t and I feel extremely stupid. I want to marry this guy and now I feel like I’ve ruined it. Please help me

Is It Possible to Regain my Boyfriend’s Trust?

Answered by on -

A.

There are at least a couple of layers to this question. Details about your sexual history are no one’s business but yours. You have a history. I’m presuming that he has a history too. It is only necessary to share with each other that you each have a history. If either one of you had a negative experience that will effect your relationship with each other, that does need some talking through. If you contracted a transmittable disease, you are responsible for telling your partner that you are taking the right precautions and/or getting treated for it. And, of course, you do need to talk about protection from an unwanted pregnancy. But beyond that, past encounters are generally private information.

Then there is the issue of your lies: Sometimes the unconscious has a way to raise red flags even when a person doesn’t consciously see them. I think you know you aren’t really ready to be talking about marriage. You are only 18. You need more years to mature and to figure out who you are before settling down with anyone., especially at your age. Before making the decision to marry, you need far more contact and time with a boyfriend  than a long distance relationship can allow.

I think your unconscious helped you out by letting you violate a primary value held by your guy. On some level you knew lying would be a deal breaker. But instead of breaking up with him, you have made it possible for him to break up with you. Maybe it seemed easier to deal with guilt than to deal with rejecting someone you really do like. Whatever the case, I doubt very much you can fix this. Even if it looks like you do, chances are you will do something else to set a break-up in motion.

Trust your inner self. Apologize to the guy. Wish him well. And do the growing up you need to do to be the kind of partner I know you would like to be.

I wish you well.
Dr. Marie

Is It Possible to Regain my Boyfriend’s Trust?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). Is It Possible to Regain my Boyfriend’s Trust?. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 20, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/08/14/is-it-possible-to-regain-my-boyfriends-trust/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 11 Aug 2019 (Originally: 14 Aug 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 11 Aug 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.