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How Do I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?

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From a teen in Canada: The relationship with my mom has worsened due to a lie I told back in February, which I took full responsibility for and I am aware that hiding my depression from her and the fact that I was seeing a physiologist without her knowing was not okay, but I felt as if she wouldn’t understand, because she’s always told me I make a big deal out of everything and that I want to make it seem like I’m a victim when I cry, so I was ashamed to tell her and face her criticism.

As of lately I have returned with my ex boyfriend, we separated previously about a month ago because I wanted time to focus on myself and When we argued it was very hard on me because I was at a vulnerable stage, Due to me being sensitive my mother would see me cry and she would immediately assume that my boyfriend was at fault, she assumes it was because of him that I fell depressed and she assumed that because of him I chose to take a break from school to better my mental health.

Now that I am back with him, she blames me every single day for choosing to ruin my life, she blames me for causing her pain and she blames me for my family falling apart. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared to go home due to the criticism I’ll have to face from her.

She bases her opinions of my boyfriend based on some text messages she read, because she literally stole my phone and figured out my password, she crossed the line and invaded my privacy. She is now making me choose between my boyfriend or them, and honestly if she thinks that my boyfriend is the one hurting me she is very wrong,

I love her very dearly but now the only one causing me pain when I’m already feeling helpless is her. The other day she even ran away from my house for a straight two hours making me worry, and when she came back she threatened me and my 14 year old sister saying she was going to leave us because she’s tired of living in this stupid country with two daughters who are a disappointment who use her and don’t appreciate her , AND THAT IS NOT TRUE

How Do I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?

Answered by on -

A.

What a mess! I’m so sorry your mother’s relationship with you and your sister has deteriorated so much. I’m guessing that everyone in the family is feeling emotionally fragile and exhausted. Believing your troubles are your boyfriend’s fault may be a way your mom protects herself from feeling responsible. Worrying you and threatening you and your sister tells me she is feeling bankrupt. She just doesn’t know what to do with two teenaged daughters. She’s stressed. You are stressed. I suspect your sister is too.

I agree that lying about seeing a psychologist wasn’t the best way to get the help you need. But it looks to me that taking charge of getting some help for yourself and maybe your family was a healthy move on your part. Please talk to your psychologist about all you’ve told me. Ask if  you should transfer to a family therapist so that you, your sister, and your mother can work on creating a more peaceful home during your teen years.

You didn’t mention your father. If he is in the picture, he should definitely be included in such counseling.

I wish you well.

Dr. Marie

How Do I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?

Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker

Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.

APA Reference
Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). How Do I Improve My Relationship with My Mother?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 8, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/08/12/how-do-i-improve-my-relationship-with-my-mother/
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 9 Aug 2019 (Originally: 12 Aug 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 9 Aug 2019
Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.