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I’m Unable to Understand Myself & My Desires

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Throughout my whole life I have had fantasies about things and obsessed over them. These range from murdering and torturing people to raping young boys.

These are not intrusive thoughts, I want to think about these things and I love them. I’m a very intelligent person and have no sign of mental illness. I may have minor anxiety, but why would that make me want to do these things.

These desires are so strong I am constantly thinking about them. I’ve even thought about killing my whole family and liked the thought, even though I knew I’d be devastated if it actually happened. I can be sitting with family and friends and still be living out these desires in my head.

One of my fantasies involved having sex with my brothers dog. I knew I could get away with it, so I did it. I never even felt bad about it. I know within myself that if I knew I could get away with murdering, torturing or raping someone I would do it.
I know these things are wrong, I just don’t feel like they are wrong.

I’ve always wanted to have children, but I’m scared that if I did I’d act out my fantasies on them. Not scared for the fact that I’d be doing something ‘wrong’ but scared I’d be caught. I’ve had fantasies of molestering my own son and got off to these thoughts. That’s when I knew something’s not right.

I’ve always thought people think about these things and just not speak out about them, a taboo of sorts. I only recently discovered while researching online that that’s not the case. I’m so confused. It feels like my whole life has been a lie, thinking that everyone was just like me and now knowing they’re not.

These thoughts and desires make me happy. I want to do all these terrible things but I just don’t understand why? I’m too scared to talk to somebody. Please help me understand, even just a little.

I’m Unable to Understand Myself & My Desires

Answered by on -


If I had the opportunity to interview you, I would want to know more about your personal life history. You stated that you have no mental illnesses with the exception of minor anxiety. What about trauma? Any unpleasant experiences with your family? Are you a victim of abuse? Those types of questions, and many more regarding your history, would need to be answered in order to explain “why” you feel the way you do.

Often, people who have interests similar to yours have had a traumatic history. Certainly, that’s not the case with everyone but many individuals who have the desire to harm others have been hurt themselves.

It is not the norm to want to “rape” children. It is unusual to want to murder your family and to like the idea of doing so. It is abnormal to both have fantasies about sex with animals and to carry out the act. All of these things are morally wrong and illegal.

Individuals who are attracted to children are referred to as pedophiles. Individuals who are diagnosed with pedophilia have met the following diagnostic criteria:

  • for at least six months, have recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving sexual activity with a prepubescent child or children, generally 13 years or younger;
  • have acted upon these urges, or the sexual urges or fantasies cause marked distress or interpersonal difficulty;
  • the individual is at least 16 years old and is at least five years older than the child or children mentioned above.

The most concerning aspect of your letter is that you know these things are wrong but still like the idea of them. It’s also concerning that you acted out one of your fantasies. This demonstrates your willingness to abuse less powerful others.

Legally, engaging in sexual behavior with an animal is referred to as bestiality. In the mental health literature, it’s referred to as zoophilia. The research about these topics is scarce, but the early work suggests that approximately three to eight percent of the population may engage in sex with animals. Though there is no single profile of offenders, most are white males between the ages of 30 and 50 whose first sexual encounter with an animal occurs around the age of 13. From a psychological perspective, little else is known about this topic.

Bestiality is illegal in the United States. In many states, it is a misdemeanor charge but many states are attempting to increase the penalties by classifying it as a felony offense. The Federal Bureau of Investigation (FBI) now collects data on animal cruelty. Intentionally harming animals is strongly correlated with violence against people.

For the sake of innocent children and animals, it is of the utmost importance that you do everything in your power to ensure that you never hurt a child or an animal. I would strongly recommend consulting a mental health professional. These problems can be managed with counseling. If you do not have children (it was unclear as written), I would advise against having children until these problems are resolved. Without the right help, you are at risk of engaging in behaviors that could lead to a lifetime of incarceration and or the harm of innocent others. Counseling can assist you in developing strategies for preventing sexual offending or engaging in violence against people and animals. Good luck and please take care.

Dr. Kristina Randle

I’m Unable to Understand Myself & My Desires

Therapists live, online right now, from BetterHelp:

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW

Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.

APA Reference
Randle, K. (2019). I’m Unable to Understand Myself & My Desires. Psych Central. Retrieved on November 24, 2020, from
Scientifically Reviewed
Last updated: 14 Jul 2019 (Originally: 15 Jul 2019)
Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 14 Jul 2019
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