This all must be very, very hard to live with. I’m going to take you at your word that you are not just looking for attention. The thoughts and behaviors you are describing are serious and need to be taken seriously.
An important piece of information you didn’t include is when all this started. Has it been with you your whole life or did it begin within the last couple of years? It makes a difference.
Either way: The place to start is with your doctor. Sometimes disturbing thoughts are a result of an undiagnosed medical problem. The culprits are usually either hormonal at your age or neurological. Before we send you off to a mental health professional, you should have a complete physical.
You should keep a sleep diary for a few weeks before your appointment because sleep disorders can also provoke disordered thinking. A sleep diary includes the time you go to bed, times you wake up in the night (if you do) and what you are thinking about at the time, times you get back to sleep and time you have to get up and function in the morning. You should be getting 8 – 9 hours of quality sleep at your age for your brain and body to be ready for the next day.
You might find it helpful to look at this article.
If your doctor sees nothing wrong and your sleep is okay ( or if it hasn’t been okay but you fix it) and you still have the thoughts you described, please get an appointment with a licensed therapist who specializes in working with teens. Your doctor or your school counselor can probably give you the names of someone locally who can evaluate what’s going on with you. The therapist will then talk to you about what you can do to get relief.
You asked me to take you seriously. Now I want you to do the same for yourself. You made an important first step by writing to us here at PsychCentral. Now follow up. Make those appointments right away. You deserve to get some relief from such disturbing thoughts and feelings.
I wish you well,