I am very sorry you had such a loss with your father. It also sounds like, in many ways, you’ve lost your mother too. There are several things happening here that involve cultural, familial, and developmental issues and we will walk through each of them.
However, the first thing I would encourage you to do is STOP LOOKING AT YOUR MOM’S PHONE. Whatever you believe you are doing by looking at it one thing is certain: You are not going to feel better and it is an invasion of your mom’s privacy. If the roles were reversed, you wouldn’t want her to do this to you. You already have too much information and don’t know what to do with what you already have. Looking for more will only add to your burden, and very likely push you and your mother further apart.
Secondly, for many reasons, there isn’t a lot for you to do with the information you have. Culturally you are in a difficult position because to reveal what you know would require you to admit to explain that you’ve invaded your mother and father’s privacy, and this in and of itself may not only diminish how you are perceived by whom you tell but may discount your word altogether.
With that being said, I do think you should find a way to talk about what you’ve learned but in a safe way. Sending us an email was a very good start. The work for you now is to find a trusted person to talk to about your own feelings about your mom, not so much about what she did or didn’t do—but your feelings about it. This will give you a safe place to release your feelings, and help get yourself feeling better.
I think a good way of doing this is to talk to someone in your school. Perhaps there is a teacher of counselor you can talk to about this that will be able to hear how stressful this information has been for you to carry.
Finally, you may also want to ask to see a therapist. Very legitimately you can say that you are having very difficult feelings related to your father’s death. To find someone in your area you can go to the “find help” tab at the top of the page, or you can ask a trusted teacher or counselor at the school to help you see a professional.
The key is to find a safe place where you can talk about what all of this feels like. You’ve taken a great first step here. Now it is time to take the next.
Wishing you patience and peace,
Proof Positive Blog @ PsychCentral