For the past couple of months, the relationship with my mother has started to fall apart, due to a lie I told back in February , which I took full responsibility for and I am aware that hiding my depression from her and the fact that I was seeing a physiologist without her knowing was not okay, but I felt as if she wouldn’t understand, because she’s always told me I make a big deal out of everything and that I want to make it seem like I’m a victim when I cry, so I was ashamed to tell her and face her criticism. As of lately I have returned with my ex boyfriend, we separated previously about a month ago because I wanted time to focus on myself and When we argued it was very hard on me because I was at a vulnerable stage, Due to me being sensitive my mother would see me cry and she would immediately assume that my boyfriend was at fault, she assumes it was because of him that I fell depressed and she assumed that because of him I chose to take a break from school to better my mental health. Now that I am back with him, she blames me every single day for choosing to ruin my life, she blames me for causing her pain and she blames me for my family falling apart. It’s gotten to the point where I’m scared to go home due to the criticism I’ll have to face from her. She bases her opinions of my boyfriend based on some text messages she read, because she literally stole my phone and figured out my password, she crossed the line and invaded my privacy. She is now making me choose between my boyfriend or them, and honestly if she thinks that my boyfriend is the one hurting me she is very wrong, I love her very dearly but now the only one causing me pain when I’m already feeling helpless is her. The other day she even ran away from my house for a straight two hours making me worry, and when she came back she threatened me and my 14 year old sister saying she was going to leave us because she’s tired of living in this stupid country with two daughters who are a disappointment who use her and don’t appreciate her (AND THAT IS NOT TRUE)
There are two possibilities that could help: one would be moving out and the second would be asking her to participate in family therapy.
At 19, you’re an adult. However, you may not be ready or able to leave at this time. Unfortunately, in that case you’re likely going to have to follow her rules whether you agree with them or not. She has a lot of input into your life and that will likely continue should you continue living at her home. That’s is simply the reality of the situation.
Regarding the second option, you might ask her if she would be willing to participate in therapy. Depending on the nature and the complexity of the problems, the two of you could go together or the family can attend as a group. Discuss this with your psychologist. They may have ideas about how to approach your mother regarding therapy.
Until you become more independent or come to some other resolution, the power struggle may persist. In the meantime, try to keep your distance from your mother, if possible. Understandably, that may be difficult given that the two of you live in the same home. In all likelihood, she is worried about your life choices and is trying to prevent you from making mistakes. Her intentions are probably good but she is struggling with how to best express herself. Best of luck to you. Thank you for your question.
Dr. Kristina Randle
My Parents Are Not Supportive
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW
Kristina Randle, Ph.D., LCSW is a licensed psychotherapist and Assistant Professor of Social Work and Forensics with extensive experience in the field of mental health. She works in private practice with adults, adolescents and families. Kristina has worked in a large array of settings including community mental health, college counseling and university research centers.
APA Reference Randle, K. (2019). My Parents Are Not Supportive. Psych Central.
Retrieved on November 19, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/06/13/my-parents-are-not-supportive/
Last updated: 12 Jun 2019 (Originally: 13 Jun 2019) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 12 Jun 2019 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.