I have a problem with my past, but I don’t know what kind it is if any. I just know that I had a really happy early childhood until age seven when I moved to a new school I didn’t like and my grandmother got diagnosed with dementia so my mom was never around much for a few years. I remember resentment for my grandmother, but I’m over that now. She is still alive after about a decade if you can believe that.
Ever since age seven, I have been really shy and in my middle and high school years, anxious, around people. I don’t really know what this is about. I know that I never was concerned about others, even in pre-school. I would just ignore most people and my first word was “bye” when a neighbor came in the house. I had a few friends, but I didn’t like them much. I believe now that most of them were crazy or were too imposing.
Even my teachers were crazy. Two were awful in elementary school. They gave me lower grades than everyone else because they had a vendetta against my dad who always meddles in my business the wrong (violent) way. Most were alright, but there were two verbally abusive teachers in high school who betrayed me when I said one did some questionable things and made me drop out for a bit. And I had no proof, so I still have cravings for revenge even though I know that would be stupid.
I had a large collection of dolls. Everyone who came over would think I was weird.
The main emotion I feel about my past is embarrassment. I’m embarrassed that I didn’t do more during my childhood; embarrassed about the things I did do. This leads to anger for me. I’m even embarrassed if I have to be in any sort of group now, and by the end of the day I’m angry if I had to be around people.
A puzzling thing is that if I feel superior to others around me or if the environment is welcoming, then I’m fine. I feel on top of the world or perhaps just drunk on power. I only feel this way when I have on my best clothes or get nice vibes from others.