Thank you so much for writing. I understand that you can’t afford therapy. But there are other options for getting the help you need. Do consider joining one of the forums here at PsychCentral. People with similar problems support each other and offer practical ideas for handling life’s problems.
Another option is to look into group therapy. Often group therapy is much less expensive than individual therapy. In group, people get support from others and also have the opportunity to hear each other’s perspective on problems.
As for your relationships: I am so, so sorry that you haven’t yet found love with someone who accepts you and cherishes you. It might be just plain bad luck. But usually when people find themselves repeatedly in disappointing relationships, there is something going on inside of them that causes them to choose badly. It may be, for example, that your self-esteem is so low that you accept less than you deserve. It may be that your anxiety is getting in the way of your good judgment. Issues like these would be explored in treatment or on the forum.
Do get out of the relationship with the man you had an affair with. It was a good effort at finding love but it was complicated from the start because of the issues with your husband. It was unrealistic to think you could be so intimate and not become emotionally involved. You need to do some healing before finding someone new. Take the time you need to learn to love yourself so you can choose wisely.
I wish you well.