From a teen in the U.S.: My dad sometimes goes to trips outside the state so it’s just me and my mom. I’ve always noticed that if she can’t see something, she doesn’t believe in it. So when I tell her a problem that she can’t see, she ignores it. Like my severe back problem, my continuous cold, my headaches, sudden pain in the body, etc. I do everything for her. Everything she asks for I do it. I care for her when she’s ill. I wish that she showed me such love.
Recently, my mom had bought me shorts and told me that she would buy it if I wear it. Once my dad found out, he said that I shouldn’t wear shorts in front of him or even while sleeping. I didn’t agree to this but still I said OK to calm down things. We had a family talk and everything was OK after that.
Yesterday I talked to mom to let me wear shorts and knee length dresses. She said that she had no problem and that I should not wear it in front of dad. Then we talked about it more and suddenly she said that she wouldn’t let me wear it outside. I don’t know what happened. She had just told me yes and now she said no. I threw the shorts out of my room that night.
The next day we didn’t talk about the shorts but she had agreed to take me to a mall to buy some stuff. I told her that I want to get my nails done for my school function as it was the last one I would attend as a 12th grader. She refused me and I do remember that she promised me she would do it after my exams. She started fighting and shouting with me and hit me.
Such things have been happening for a while now. I would talk to her about small things and she would then answer me in a really nasty way and we would start fighting. My mom is a woman like me so we should understand each other but she does not. I feel like killing myself.
You already know that killing yourself isn’t the answer. Getting out of your parents’ complicated relationship is. I think you are getting fall out from fights they are having with each other. Instead of dealing with whatever it is that is going wrong between them, they take their upset with each other’s decisions out on you.
You are now graduating from high school. Start figuring out how to make a life on your own. Get a job or figure out how to go to college — or both. In the meantime, resist your mother’s invitations to fight. It’s pointless to argue since the fights don’t really have anything to do with you. Just tell her you are sorry that she feels the way she does (no sarcasm, please) and leave the room as gracefully as you can.
I am very concerned about your physical symptoms. You do need to see a doctor to make sure that your symptoms aren’t a signal that you are ill. If your doctor doesn’t find a cause, then see a therapist, please. It could be that your anxiety about the home situation is showing up in your body. A therapist can also give you the support you need to stay out of fights and to plan a future.
I wish you well.
How Do I Get my Mom to Stop Fighting with Me?
Dr. Marie Hartwell-Walker
Dr. Marie is licensed as both a psychologist and marriage and family counselor. She specializes in couples and family therapy and parent education. Follow her on Facebook or Twitter.
APA Reference Hartwell-Walker, D. (2019). How Do I Get my Mom to Stop Fighting with Me?. Psych Central. Retrieved on December 15, 2019, from https://psychcentral.com/ask-the-therapist/2019/05/25/how-do-i-get-my-mom-to-stop-fighting-with-me/
Last updated: 22 May 2019 (Originally: 25 May 2019) Last reviewed: By a member of our scientific advisory board on 22 May 2019 Published on Psych Central.com. All rights reserved.