You are no more guilty than is the woman you were having the affair with. Some might argue that it was the woman who is the more guilty because she is the one who betrayed the trust of her fiancé. Either way, what occurred was consensual and was to occur in secret. Only two people in the world were supposed to know, both parties agreed on secrecy and that no others were to ever know. You believed in that secrecy and agreed to the affair. Your partner was also enthusiastic and appears to have had no reservations. If there were just two people alive on this earth, you and her, why would you need to consider the feelings of others? That was the scenario that was presented to you and it held true for approximately a year.
Secrets are hard to maintain and when there is more than one person involved, nearly impossible to maintain. Secrets are at best, temporary.
People often times figure out life as they go along, after all much of life and its rights and wrongs, are learned through experience. The consequences, ramifications, and meanings of having a secret affair have now become apparent to you. The secrecy has ended and your affair is brightly illuminated in the light of day. Now it can be closely examined for appropriateness, consequences and moral implications.
Perhaps the best lesson learned is, don’t do anything in secret that you would be ashamed of doing publicly. Also remember, that many, many people have done exactly what you’ve done. You made a mistake. You learned from it and it appears that you would never repeat that behavior. At the time of the affair, it seemed that no one was being hurt. You liked it. She liked it. Her fiancé didn’t know about it and thus was not experiencing pain from a cheating girlfriend whose cheating behavior he was unaware of. She was willing. You were willing and it was to be a forever secret, however secrets are rarely forever.
You’ve learned and suffered through your mistake and are very unlikely to make that mistake again. Life is a learning experience, for the better of us.
Take the lesson learned, forgive yourself and live on. Good luck.
Dr. Kristina Randle